|
BabyFat|
Rena| R.D.|
Jess| Andrea|
Dallas
BabyFat's Story
I never really thought much about my weight until the 7th
grade. I can't tell you what caused this sudden obsession, but
I really restricted what I ate. In 9th grade I got into the nasty
cycle of Bulimia. I always maintained a weight a little under
normal for my height. I liked that I had control over my body
and weight. When my boyfriend (now husband) found out I had bulimia,
I pretty much ceased with purging due to his reaction. I was bulimic
for approximately 3 years causing major permanent dental problems.
When I was 19 I got pregnant and I had a really hard time with
all the weight gain. In my 3rd trimester my doctor told me he
was concerned about the weight of my unborn baby. I became very
concerned so I ATE and ATE until I gained 36 pounds. A grand total
of 136 pounds at 9 months pregnant. My daughter was born healthy.
I had my second child July 2004 and I had a healthy pregnancy.
I gained quite a bit more the second time which put me at my highest
weight of 146 pounds. I am trying to be healthy and have started
running. I have self-image problems which at times triggers anorexic
behavior. I rely on this site for support and encouragement to
stay healthy and steer clear from bulimia. I hope that it helps
you in the same way.
eyelove808@gmail.com
Rena's Story
Well, lets see...I guess my ED started around the age of 13,
when I plumped up. I ate huge portions all the time and was basically
a chubby kid by that time. I first purged my food at the age of
13 after eating so much I wanted to cry from the pain. After "relieving"
myself, I kind of got hooked on eating so much food, but then being
able to rid it in an instant. My first fast was at the age of 14,
only lasting 4 days, I got addicted to the feeling and fast weight
loss that occurred. So the cycle of eating, puking, and fasting
began. fluctuating weights tremendously, left me with frustration
so I began fasting more and more, and maintained a nice weight at
115. I got out of school put on a bunch of weight, which landed
me at 180, that was my highest. and most stressful point in my life,
I finally got my act together, and lost all that weight, from fasting/puking/restricting,
ect. I’m currently 125, I thought after losing so much weight, I
would be sort of happy, and feel better about myself, but I feel
fatter than when I was 180, I still have I’d say maybe 20 more pounds
to lose before I am happy, or close to happy. But I really don’t
think I will ever be happy with my body, I just want to be able
to "stand" my body and reflection.
prittekrayz@aol.com
R.D's Story
From a ripe young age, although I was a normal sized child,
I always felt like the biggest kid. This not only caused me to have
a low self-esteem but made me terribly shy because I never felt
good enough. My immediate family is not a superficial or materialistic
group of people at all so there was never any pressure for me to
be skinny and able to fit perfectly in all the latest trends. However,
that's all I wanted from elementary school till now. I do realize
the importance of inner beauty and have always thought that being
I have a pretty face and I am a good person inside, I'd have had
a serious relationship with a guy already OR just have had a guy
treat me the way I should be treated by now - but no. This killed
any self-worth I had and further led me to believe that it's because
I was "fat". It's my body to blame. In middle school I tried "starving"
myself but I could never stick with it. I'd watch talk shows that
featured girls with eating disorders strictly for tips and ideas.
Never did I want to make myself purge. I swore to myself. I look
back at middle school where my self-image took another plunge down
and see how it affected my socialization skills, grades, and worsened
my anxieties. I was now depressed. By high school I lost weight
and toned up due to an increase in sports and activities. I had
good friends and an active social life but my weight still haunted
me and taunted me. When I walked into a room, if someone looked
it was because I was fat. If no one talked to me it was because
I was fat. I didn't have a boyfriend because I was fat. At 5'3"
137 lbs. I thought I was the hugest thing my school has ever seen.
My growing depression and insecurities with the help of society
had now pushed me into the "freak" crowd where I hung with the "bad"
kids and turned "punk rock". Heavy drug use and drinking stopped
me from caring what people thought of my looks. I almost didn't
graduate because I skipped school all the time but what did I care?
I had a group of friends who "cared" about me and drugs to make
me feel good . . . until I looked at myself in the mirror. Before
I knew it I was a heroin addict. I thought this was how I wanted
to live the rest of my life. You feel good, not hungry - it stops
your appetite and if you eat, you are likely to barf (when you start
out), and prevents you from feeling any pain. In three years of
addiction I lost a lot of weight. . . along with friends, opportunities,
money like you wouldn't believe, trust, places to live, and even
more self-respect. When I came out of rehab I was happy to have
a second chance at a "normal" life but had gained so much weight
there I fell back into depression. Since rehab I haven’t touched
heroin but have fallen in and out of addiction with other opiates
because I hate myself so much I need something to feel good. I have
been clean for 8 months and decided not to have any drug mask my
weight because I only lie to myself. Now, I am determined to do
something about it for sure. Well, wouldn't you know I was in a
terrible car accident and was immobile for almost five months! My
weight reached it's highest from not being able to be active. I
was 5'3" and 155. Now because I choose MIA, I am 140 and still going
strong. My goal is 115-120. I also exercise frequently. I realize
the danger that my condition entails but chose to follow wherever
it may lead anyway. I've been MIA about two months and have confidence
and will power back as two very important components of my character.
This site has helped me accomplish not only what I set out to do
but has informed me on all aspects of this life style - the positive
and the negative.
karmageddon82@yahoo.com
Jess's Story
Not much to say really. Started my ED when I was about 12,
now that I look back on it. My lowest has been 36 kilos and highest
has been 65 kilos, I am 58 kilos now. I have had bulimia and anorexia
at different times but when I first started I ate as little as possible
and then purged it. Seemed to work! Nowadays I am finding it very
hard to stick to anything. My best bet was the SHD which I did for
2 weeks and lost 12 kilos in. That was very nice :) I dont really
know what else to type, except I still hate being fat and one day
I hope to get down to a nice even 45 kilos. Not too thin but nicely
shaped. (PS I am only 5'2 so I look heaps fatter than normal people.)
Love Jess xxxx xxxx JessBubs@hotmail.com
Andrea's Story
I have had disordered eating since the 8th grade. I started
out as a non-purging bulimic switching off between restrictions
and binging. I started using diet pills and lax. at this time as
well. People started to notice that I was losing weight quickly
and my parents freaked out and made me go to counseling. I just
lied to the counselor and none of the issues were resolved. When
I entered the 10th grade I was still restricting often...I started
to get really unhappy and began to binge more and more gaining a
lot of weight. At the end of 10th grade my mom wanted to help me
lose weight( she always did). She said that if I could eat three
healthy meals a day and work out 5 times a week she would buy me
school clothes. Well being the compulsive girl that I am this quickly
turned into anorexia. I was playing high school basketball at the
time, which meant that I was practicing 3 hours a day and sometimes
working out on top of that. In no time I was down to 93 lbs. and
everyone was concerned...I new that I had a problem but didn't think
I had ANA. People kept telling me how gross I looked so I tried
to se if I could eat more...my body couldn't handle it so I purged
naturally. Eventually my stomach stretched to a normal size and
I hit 100--I freaked out and told my parents I needed counseling
because I was bingeing--they didn't buy it. I became extremely depressed,
started cutting and gained about 40lbs within a year...tried to
kill myself...got on anti-depressants and slowly started to get
happy. I missed the first half of my senior year due to my depression
but luckily had enough credits to graduate after completing the
last semester of it. I was ED free for a while but in April mia
came back--I am currently in-between ana mia and coe---they all
flare up every once in a while. I MISS ANA AND AM TRYING TO GET
BACK ON TRACK
amoore12@u.washington.edu
Dallas's Story
Ah...Let's see. Where to begin... I have two memories of
my childhood. The first memory is that my mother was always on a
diet. The second memory is that she was constantly telling me I
was fat and fat was bad. I didn't realize it until I became much,
much older that my mother had been battling an eating disorder (anorexia)
since she was 13. When I was a little girl, she was still deep in
the throes of ana, and I guess she saw how chubby and cherubic I
was- and that frightened her. I honestly believe that she passed
on her weird issues with food and her low self-esteem to me. When
I was a little girl, I was always very round, very soft...very Shirley
Temple-esque, with the big dimples in the cheeks, and the kissable
pudgy arms and legs. My hair curled naturally, so I really looked
like a Cajun version of Shirley Temple. My mother took pride in
my appearance, clucked with pride when someone would say "Oh, what
a PRETTY little girl!", and would later berate me for something
I'd forgot to do/say while receiving the compliment. "You didn't
smile right. You didn't say thank you. What the hell is wrong with
you? You're fat. That's what's wrong with you. You're fat and fat
makes you dumb. Fat makes you slow. You're a cow!" Please note the
fact that this started when I was only three years old. I stayed
slightly chubby throughout my childhood, but I was very, very active.
I was on the swim team, softball team; soccer team- I even got put
in gymnastics (God, that was such a joke.) Let's fast-forward 10
years in the future. I am 13. Just hitting puberty. Not in any extra
curricular activities. I had discovered pot. Very overweight. Very
depressed. Very, very bad skin. Not to mention on top of this, I
had a very,very,very bad attitude to match. My mother finally stopped
harping on me so much about my weight. I guess she'd finally resigned
herself to the fact that she had a fat cow for a daughter. I do
remember that during this period of time, she was trying to adopt
my cousin Justine (Her mom is my mom's sister...and she was bad
off on drugs) who was like her: tall, slender, perfect. Justine
would come over and watch my mom pick on me. Although she sympathized
with me, she did say "You are fat. C'mon..you're 5 feet tall and
you weigh 200 pounds." So, she taught me about bulimia, and how
it helped her stay down to a sylph-like 95 pounds. How it helped
her get the guys she wanted. How she could wear a size 0 in jeans,
while I was praying my way into an 18. I became bulimic. And promptly
dropped 70 pounds in about a year.. My mom couldn't believe it.
I was still fat by her standards, but I looked much better. The
problem was, I was already having lots of problems with my teeth
because of mia, and my throat was puffed up like a bullfrog's. Again,
I turned to Justine. But Justine was nowhere to be found. Justine
had gotten herself thrown into the hospital. So, damn. No Justine.
Then, I happened to catch a movie on NBC called "A Secret Between
Friends". (I still have the movie on tape. Makes great thinspiration.)
I identified with Je, the curvy, voluptuous bubbly neophyte seductress...but
I wanted to be more like Lexi...waif-like, thin, wispy, and fragile.
I stopped eating. I ate 300 calories a day, took up running (totally
screwed my knee up). I remember I got to where I looked like a walking
corpse, and I'll never forget my father pleading with me to gain
some more weight. My mother scoffed at him "She looks fine, Martin.
She looks healthy." I weighed 75 pounds. My father died a week later.
I flirted between the two disorders for years until I was 18. At
18, I was thrown into the hospital by my doctor (not my mother,
mind you, she said I looked fine, but my doctor!)for getting down
to 68 pounds. Two months later, I was released at a "healthy" 110.
Then I stuck with ana. My mother was unhappy again. I was fat again.
So, I just lost enough to get down to about 98-ish. And stayed there.
I didn't like the hospital. Had no desire to go back. So, I just
turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to my mother (which I should've
done years ago.) and went on with my life. At 19, I got married
to a wonderful man (long-time friend and boyfriend), and soon found
myself pregnant with our first child. I did what most anorexics
to when they find themselves pregnant. Panic. I ate. And I ate.
And I ate. I weighed 180 pounds when I delivered my baby boy, William
(who weighed a whopping 8 lbs, and was 21 1/2 inches long.) and
weighed 160 immediately post-delivery. Since then, it's been hard
getting back on track of trying to lose weight. I guess my body
enjoyed being fed for those nine months that it refuses to let me
reduce my intake..lol. But, I'm getting there. I find I'm a much
happier person now that I have my own family and my own life. I
realize that I can love my mother and not have to live under her
rules and her opinions. I've realized that what makes me happy is
all that matters. And that's all that should matter.
supernovastar7@aol.com
Next Set of Stories
Back To Top
Member Artwork
I used to have visitors email me thier personal artwork I would
publish them to the site. I do this in a different fashion now.
These are the old pieces that I have.
Enpregnated Ana
eyelove808@gmail.com
Mirror Reality
eyelove808@gmail.com
Anorexic Journey
eyelove808@gmail.com
Reflection
eyelove808@gmail.com
Anorexia
eyelove808@gmail.com
ANA stick figure
prittekrayz@aol.com
Trapped
smitandrea@cableone.net
Delicate Innocence
smitandrea@cableone.net
Inspiration
asecretname@hotmail.com
Torture
scilla4prezident@aol.com
Wilted Freedom
yellow4ever@aol.com
Stabbing Westard
suraia@streamyx.com
Ana's Room
morfiuslynn_21567@yahoo.com
Surrounded
Yello 4 Ever@aol.com
????
IF YOU ARE THE ARTIST OF THIS PIECE PLEASE EMAIL ME ASAP. I HAVE
LOST YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS
AND WOULD LIKE TO PLACE IT HERE.
????
IF YOU ARE THE ARTIST OF THIS PIECE PLEASE EMAIL ME ASAP. I HAVE
LOST YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS
AND WOULD LIKE TO PLACE IT HERE.
????
teraleet@hotmail.com
Goddess Ana
aurorajewls@yahoo.com
Perfection
acg0807@yahoo.com
Diving
acg0807@yahoo.com
Member Poetry
I used to have visitors email me thier personal poetry I would
publish them to the site. I do this in a different fashion now.
These are the old pieces that I have.
MY MIA
my cramps are
my bones are
my clothes
my tears
my lonliness
my self hatred
is my mia telling me she will always be here......
kcaj@vaughns.com
Binge
Litter strewn across the floor
wrappers, bags, crumbs surrounded her
A vast emptiness continued to consume her
She was now mentally satiated
yet also abhorently disgusted
with herself
She could not face the mirror before her
A lowly creature filled with nothing
stared back
At least she felt full
and as she resolved not to repeat this
she could not help but feel hungry
for life.
LilyBart86@aol.com
Looking In the Mirror
Binge I hate who i have become
Why cant u just let me be
You have fucked up my life why do u follow me?
You say that ur my friend
I am afriad to let you go
I dont remember a time when i didnt need you
promising people that id make you leave
I am afraid
I am no better then you or you then me
Stay with me please, I dont know myself if you leave
For so long you have been by my side
You and Ana have helped me just fine
But then i opened my mouth
Asked for what i dont want
So can i ask you all to leave
Let me be... Im good.. im fine on my own XXglamblondieXx@aol.com
Happy Now
I dont remember much but i remember you
I did my job i got rid of you
Then you came back crept up on me
Did you see I was happy
Making progress
looking great
can't you just go away
You are gross I like empty
empty feels good
But you wont leave so ill push till your gone
but are you happy now?
XXglamblondieXx@aol.com
Lonely
Its a secret ill never tell
I even keep it from myself
Two friends that i almost love to hate
Two friends i almost hate to love
so i am lonely
so i took up a hobby
wouldn't you?
So i cry and i hide what i have worked so hard to earn
But if people saw the progress
i havent made they would hang their heads in shame
Its a secret ill never tell
I even keep it from myself
Two friends that i almost love to hate
Two friends that i hate to love
So i am lonely
So i took up a hobby
Wouldn't you?
XXglamblondieXx@aol.com
Miss "ANA"
Little Miss Judy
Sat on her booty
Eating her chips and pie
When along came ANA
And took over her life
Until Miss Judy would die
prittekrayz@aol.com
Miss "Mia"
Little Miss Susie
Sat on her booty
Eating everything in sight
When along came Mia
And forced her to purge
Which fills Miss Susie with fright
prittekrayz@aol.com
Me
The one with no control, the one who always cries,
Will one day reach her goal but at the cost of
many lies.
Beautiful and thin she must always strive to be, when
this goal is attained, finally she'll be free.
Free from lies and all the rest, free from trying to
be the best.
"The best at what," you want to know. I'll tell you
again but this time slow.
Thin and pure, pure as snow, wispy and frail, you'll
never know.
" I'll never know," you ask of me.
What's to know except that's me!
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Eye Contact
I saw you watching me.
Your eyes burning a hole in my soul.
You never looked away, captivated by what could never be.
You smile that smile that only I could understand.
Everything is still and I close my eyes.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
A poem by Marge Piercy
Women are compelled to view their bodies as science projects, gardens
to be weeded, dogs to be trained.
When will women cease to be made of pain?
Women are manufactured like cars, refitted, retooled, redesigned
every decade.
How superior we are now:
Modern women thin as a blade of a scissor.
She sits at the table closing her eyes to food, hungry, always hungry.
Women made of pain.
By: Marge Piercy
Sent in by tootie0047@yahoo.com
Transparent
Thin is a place I long to be.
I've been there before, I'ts better than me.
Skin and bones feels safe and secure.
A body loose with fat I want no more.
Wispy and transparent a body should be,
So those who stare, a body they won't see.
Everyday the pain I feel inside will reflect in my
body, my soul, my mind.
I will starve, I will scream, I will hope, I will pray
that my body, the good one, the thin one will stay.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Nothing I ever wanted
Blood, Sex, Tears
What is it that you want?
When you come to me your reasons are never the same.
I sit and wait for your arrival, but you never come on time.
Why do I anticipate something I never wanted?
What is it they say, "Good things come to those who
wait." but I am still waiting for something that isn't...
It all makes sense to you, not to me. So why when you
say, "I'll be right there, I get scared, wanting to
run., but instead I stay, stuck, in my head waiting
for nothing I ever wanted.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Purple Hole
My head pushed up against my purple satin pillow.
I told you don't touch it, but now it is my body that
wrinkles the material, forbidden to your hands.
As you do what you do I stare into the swirling
material of this throw pillow.
Purple with lines and shine. Throw pillow, I feel like
a throw person.
As my body lies upon this crumpled bed I so lovingly
created, I think, Is this it, how it will be, forever
staring into the darkness of this purple hole.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Don't let me go
You come to me wanting, waiting, for something I
promised so long ago.
You ask for my soul, lovingly and begrudgingly I give it all to
you.
Do you know how much has been sacrificed for you?
But you ask of me the same.
With out you there is no me, with out me there is no you.
Ana, let me rest, but don't ever let me go.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Breath
You disguise yourself well, with pictures and words.
You come at me from all angles, taking my every breath away.
Why have you come, when will you go?
My life is waiting, but so are you.
What choice do I have except to succumb to your
demands and whither away from existence.
Only then will I breath again.
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Broken
I am broken can"t you see?
Why I feel I'll never be.
Never be the way you like.
This is why I choose to strike.
Strike against the way I feel,
Strike against what's known as real.
I hope and dream this too shall pass,
That I'll be free to feel at last.
Until then this proves to be, that I am broken can't you see?
tootie0047@yahoo.com
Unforbidden
This feeling isn't possible,
not able to exist. But it does...
and you do...
and I do...
and we wont...
Ever!
tootie0047@yahoo.com
i did nothing
i did nothing to you
what did i do to deserve this?
you reached deep within my soul and gave it a final twist
now i lie here
empty and shattered
tattered and torn
i have nothing to look forward to
merely malice and scorn
you did this to me
i did nothing wrong
but i'm left to deal with the pain
must it last so long?
alannah_17@hotmail.com
you
your memories flood me daily
thoughts of you consume me
i cannot escape the hold you have on me
while i suffer silently and alone
you go on about your business
i am nothing to you
simply a bit of pleasure that you used and threw away
but to me.....
you are there in everything i do
all i want is to escape from you
alannah_17@hotmail.com
but
You cause me pain...
but i long for it
You bring me tears...
but i welcome them
You make me suffer...
but i do it gladly
You numb me...
but i anticipate it
You kill my soul...
but i allow it
alannah_17@hotmail.com
sometimes
Sometimes i want to show you the protruding bones, just so you'll
know
Sometimes i want to pull up my sleves and shove my scars in your
face
Sometimes i want to empty my soul to you and watch your eyes fill
with guilt and pain
Sometimes i want to reveal the scars that you have left on my
heart and soul
But then i wake to another dreadful day of lies and pain and then
all i want is to hide
alannah_17@hotmail.com
blood
as the blood trickles down
memories take over
i strive to feel
but pain is absent
i dig deeper
as the blood flows now
like a river after a storm
the pain is not enough
i feel unreal
i dig deeper still
as my last living moments escape me
i dream of a life free of all pain
with no worries or fear
and then i discover it
in my death
alannah_17@hotmail.com
Scars
rivers of molten flesh creep down my arms
cooled and hardened, remnants of days gone
memories of lost hardships and of harms
but the internal chaos spews on and on...
JennX20@aol.com
This is me
When I look into the mirror
My image is not me
I see somedisfigured object
That I do not want to be
Composed of all this flesh
Disfigured with all this buldge
To be happy in this body
Is something I don't induldge
The mirror is my enemy
The scale will never lie
A pound lost will haunt me
Untill the day I die
Mia doesn't help me
Ana is my true friend
My sanity is lost
This battle will never end.
smitandrea@msn.com
This Pretty Face
open to the outside world
feeling your eyes upon my flesh
wanting to know what makes me different
so afraid to ask
i want to be wrapped up and hidden away
like so many memories in a cardboard box
put me in a dark cell somewhere
make sure that cell has a lock
don't look at me like i'm some failed creation
a work of art that van gogh flawed
although i tried so hard to be normal
a part of me knew i didn't belong
stop staring at me, you make me nervous
seal up the y-incision, stitch me closed
i'm not an insect, don't dissect me
give me the needle, I know how to sew
i don't want to tell you the truth again
i don't want to be part of a dissection
give me my freedom to run far away
and leave you with your misconceptions
autopsy me when my life gives out
see what secrets i harbored within
but while i'm living, i'll never let you see
the dark nature of my sins.
i could've been a great many things
but i lost my footing for the last time
i wish i could've been what God intended
before he botched my design
do as i say, close my ribcage
wire me shut, leave no weakened space
forget the festering secrets you've seen
just remember this pretty face.
ShortBiscuit83@aol.com
Me
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see,
Look at my face and tell me who I am,
I'm a lost girl who doesn't know who she is.
Touch my face and tell me what you feel,
Look at my eyes and tell me why i'm crying,
I'm a lost girl who doesn't know why she's crying.
Look at the pain and confusion in my eyes,
Watch my tears role down my face,
Look at me and watch as I wither away.
Watch me fall into a black hole,
Please don't try to help me,
I'm better off in a black hole,
Withering away.
Wasted Ana Girl1@aol.com
Inside
I'm a maniac, who lost faith,
In all the words she says.
Inside my head, she drives me mad,
for all those nights and days.
I cant resist her blueberry kiss,
but hate her stinking lies.
It isn't true, it cant be,
cause all the time she tries.
She says spells, to make me cry,
to make me become as her.
But she can't see, how much indeed,
that's what I at one time where.
I cant look, I hate my self,
and how she makes me feel;
A fat ugly girl, with low selfastime,
Oh god, this cant be real.
1184@sol.dk
Pain in Red
Now my pain will have to end, since my heart will someday have
to mend. But as long as blood keeps coming out, i feel no need
to scream and shout. You can see my pain. My pain was waiting
for me to pay, pay for all i did and CUT it all out. Out from
underneath my skin. My bodies sucked of life, i fear there's no
soul within.
megababe135@aol.com
Dark Room
I'm here tonight. Stirring up your thoughts, creating illusions
with your mind. You're mine to scare. Alone you are full of fear.
Your pain is my pleasure I take it all in. I hear your heart beating
faster. I'm in your mind, forever within. You break out in tears.
Just what I need. Your sighs and cries create me. Once I have
gotten the best of you, I'll calmly watch you, slip away in your
room.
megababe135@aol.com
Secret Soul
what's a disease really? something you die from? what's an illness?
something that can be cured? i'm confused, what's wrong with me?
why does my mind say one thing but my body does another? if no
one has control of you, are you supposed to have control of your
self? and if you dont have control of your self....are you sick
in some way? or is it just no self control?...what about having
no self control in a bad way...a way that kills many people each
and every year, is it then you can be looked at as having an illness
or maybe even what they call a disease? hmmm, i dont know, cuz
if your mind tells you you're fine and nothing is wrong (you can
stop when ever you want) but your body wont let you, another part
of your mind gets thrown in to action and makes you feel horrible...you're
mind starts to agree with your body....what's that called?...i
think at times what ever that is...i must have it, but then it's
that other part of my mind that tells me "no you dont, you're
doing it for attention, or just a little longer lynn!...you can
do this! i wont hurt you if you dont use me for ever! use me for
a little bit then put me away...you can get me back out later,
when ever you need me"...but then theres the temptaion that gets
thrown in to the mix, along with part of your mind telling you
to try and fix this, dont hurt anymore lynn!, so i eat a little
something, ohno...here comes the evil part of my mind again...telling
me get it up! do it now! hurry, you dont have much longer! what?..you
dont want to?...well then deal with the feeling i bring to you
after your 20 min. have passed, cuz after those 20 min are here
and gone, youll miss me and want me to come back, but itll be
to late...im gone and theres nothing you can do about it now!
deal with it! you have 2 choices lynn...use ME and get me back
up, or dont use ME and suffer the pain and aggony of guilt, discust,
blame and torture of the lonely feeling of being all alone!...who
wants to be alone lynn?...do u? do u like that feeling of being
alone?...when you feel alone..you want to die, dont you?...good,
youre supposed to feel that way!..thats what i bring to you if
you dont get ME back UP!...so if youre going to fall into temptaion,
you better get me up and feel better....ohhh, how much better
you always feel when im here and gone .."just like that"! you
think you can get ride of me dont you!...well keep telling your
self that and youll see!...youll finaly learn im not a game, not
a quick fix, you use me once and ill be back...i thrive off the
pain you get from me and ill never leave you!..youre mine now,
im taking you away from all that youve known!..you abused me and
now ill abuse you. you shouldnt have trusted me!...now you suffer,
you cant get ride of me, so deal with it...use me and be happy
for that mear min. until you NEED me more and more as time goes
by...youll use me up and ill kill you off just like the rest...oh,
but thats right, you dont think im here...you dont think im real...or
wait...what is it again you think lynn?...oops thats right, you
dont know what to think!...youre writing all this as if someone
is talking to you....hmmm, i think youve lost your mind!
fairytales242@yahoo.com
Addictions
One obsession Uses repression. A ruthless attempt To acquire progression.
One inspection Of a reflection. Reveals a failure In a strive
for perfection. One mentality Contains brutality. An imperceptible
Borderline personality. One perception A misconception. Might
appear to be A self-deception. One sensation Presents frustration.
Only one way out- Dissociation. Some afflictions Caused by restrictions.
There is no way out Of my addictions.
princesspapillon1@yahoo.ca
best friends
I met my new best friend today Her name was Ana; she knew just
what to say. She promised perfection, she promised success She
promised I'd swim in her size zero dress. Without hesitation,
I gave her my trust Her absence of fat made my heart fill with
lust. I abandoned food like a babyhood toy My bones screamed for
mercy, my heart leapt for joy. Each loss was euphoria, a sense
of control With air in my stomach I was on a roll. Then hell took
me captive, brought food to my lips I had barely felt perfect
with my fingertips. My best friend was murdered by outsiders'
wrath Now I'll stop at nothing to avenge her death.
luvablelevy@yahoo.com
A.nd N.ow A.fter
You are my only hope for now But I ve heard you ll let me down
I always knew you were too good to be true You have a hold of
my life And I ll die without you But if I let you stay you ll
kill me And go to another You re a road I had to go down You re
a song I had to sing You re a food not to eat You re a fire burning
my feet I hate I met you! But I could never leave you!
Nellypoohangel@hotmail.com
The numbers of my Anorexia
5 pounds thinner, another day hungrier I wish I could stop all
this pain But this is the price of beauty, this is the price of
the ballet 1 more compliment, 100 more stares They wonder when
it will stop I'll keep starving until I'm perfect 2 ribs in sight,
just make it through the night And I'll be 5 pounds thinner again
I want to forget the taste of food, I wanna forget my old apperence
I refuse to settle for less, I will be perfect, I will be ok It
will end in one spectrum or another 2 hands shaking, and 1 mind
crazy It will have all been worth it in the end I have the attention
I so deperately needed, even if they didn't care before I'll be
a supermodel, I'll be a principal ballerina I'll be the best,
I'll be the smallest 5'9" and 100 pounds, that's what I'll be,
That's perfect Teeny Tiny, The object of envy I'm already beautiful
and now I'll be skinny I'm sorry to whom I've hurt, but this was
never about you This was about the 1 I couldn't have, the body
I so desperately hate, the dreams that HAVE to come true This
is all in all about 1, about me
singerballerina@yahoo.com
You means everything
I'm trapped Fuck you I just snapped Out of the blue I'm fired
Guys suck I hate school I dont give a fuck Stay away Because you
say You really care Well youre as much as a liar As I am Yes youre
as much of a liar As i am.... So I have reason To be pissed Just
make it easy So I'm dismissed So I'm naive So walk on me I cannot
percieve That which you see I'm destroying myself And You're helping
me out I'm so miserable Without a doubt Cut and bleed Break the
skin Thats all i need For the pain within I wish i had drugs Tear
it apart Soak it up and squeeze it out All over my disgusting
heart ledzeppchikk@yahoo.com
Untitled
all i need is someone to blame i need someone to hide my shame
im not happy now but what about before everyones so perfect and
i am the whore i wanna lock me up all by myself in the dark without
food and just a shelf where i can put my worries and empty emotional
waste leave it to rot and still savor the taste cause ill be crying
my eyes out and ill just wither away and wait to feel better after
this passing day...
ledzeppchikk@yahoo.com
Inside me
i have a secret which you cant tell dont say a word but im not
very well i have been lying and it feels so good to not tell the
truth when i said i would its not hard at all, to cover the pain
because now my pain, has turned into a game a game of stories,
a game of lies that has now turned into exhilarating cries i love
being different, atleast i'm now somebody i might be crazy with
how i see my body the wrong attracks me but for me its right someone
walks in and i want a fight i can feel it inside me, i love how
it tears eating away at me, even my worse fears you all think
im weak, but its really not true you believe my smiles, everything
i say and do i have a true friend, one that will never leave cause
this is apart of me its the air i breathe so just let me go, treat
me like you did when i was untouched by life, like wen i wasa
kid i will be ok this is what i need im a fuckin dancer! their
bodies are never free but if im scared, promise you will cum see
me when im lying in that bed and they try to feed me cause i cant
tell whats real or a dream just cover your ears everytime i scream
maybe your right and maybe im wrong but that scream at night,
might be my last song.
srebreno_andeo@hotmail.com
Untitled
all i need is someone to blame i need someone to hide my shame
im not happy now but what about before everyones so perfect and
i am the whore i wanna lock me up all by myself in the dark without
food and just a shelf where i can put my worries and empty emotional
waste leave it to rot and still savor the taste cause ill be crying
my eyes out and ill just wither away and wait to feel better after
this passing day...
ledzeppchikk@yahoo.com
what is she to do?
Standing in the room alone She stares into the mirror She pokes
and prods what she thinks is fat But it is really her bones. She
holds everything in And buys clothes to big She snaps a rubber
band when she looks at food She hates the smell of flowers But
buys them instead of food And she isn t fit to work anymore But
her boss won t let her go As she lies in her bed of sorrows She
wonders how she became this way As she lies in her coffin of paper
She wonders how she let herself become this way. if we ever saw
her we would have helped but then we would have admired her all
the while.
punkprinces66@excite.com
Mirror
She stares back at me in disgust Her pain is my pain, She is begging
me to give her a release Oh, but I can t, I have tried I drink
her pain, It quenches my yearning It feeds my soul She asks me
to leave, But where will I go? What will I become? I don t know
whom I am with out her She is my motivation She is my determination
I just go caught up in all there was And the price was too high,
But oh, how I have messed up in her eyes And as the tears fall,
My best friend, the only person I have come to trust, Has turned
on me But I can t leave this abusive relationship, I am trapped
by the image in the mirror
veggiegurl86@yahoo.com
i'm still here
So there s this emptiness in me Something that makes me feel As
if there s nothing to feel There s only one way around it As far
as I can see. I used to think Why would you resort to that? What
makes you think of that? But when there s nothing there For me
to feel anymore The gnawing reminds me I m still here Even if
I want to disappear. So there s a void in here It makes me feel
There s nothing to feel One way out That s all. I d thought Why?
How? But when there s nothing It reminds me I m here Even if I
want to disappear. So I m empty And I feel Nothing. One way To
go. Thinking Why? How? But empty Reminds me I m here Even if I
want to disappear.. I m going to disappear.
No Email Provided
Dead
Slit your throat and beg to die Cutting is a short-lived high
Fascinated that blood will pour An hour later you're cutting more
Popping pills to end this pain Proving that there's nothing to
gain Suicide is the only way out Only it will settle this endless
doubt Hanging lifeless from some rope There was no longer any
hope No one came to find you there As you took your last gulp
of air Lying lifeless in the ground Took two days until you were
found Rotting eyes as you look above All you had ever wanted was
love
iwaslikeduuude@hotmail.com
miror miror, who is thinnest
miror miror on the wall when will i be the fairest of them all?
i compare myself to a broken barbie doll, and all the while i scratch
and tear my heart sinks when he looks at me my heart jumps when
he talks to me. and all the while i worried what other people thought
and all the while i took into consideration what he thought he brought
me into this world, this world of pain and sorrow, he brought me
into this world, not an inch close to thin if he cared about me
enough, would he have thrown me into her arms as easly as he did?
or would she have raised me as easly as she did? father, you don't
touch my hand anymore, father you don't kiss my cheek anymore, father,
you don't talk to me anymore, father, is it my fault i want to be
perfect? or is it your fault mother loves me? mother, you hold my
hand, mother, you kiss my cheek, mother you tak to me, mother you
are my loving and caring, ever thin and young, ana/mia please forgive
the very presence of my fat, please forgive the very presence of
my thoughts of food, please forgive the very presence of me in this
room
punkprinces66@excite.com
Monster
I lay in a corner my knees drawn to my chest tears escape my eyes
as I yern to eat The night pounds me in my sleep My aching body
I can't move Can't sleep The pain rises and I can't utter a sound
My breath was stolen the monsters calling my name pulling me torwards
them I can't eat anything if I do I feel gulity and that makes me
sick sick to look at myself The acid in my stomach churns forcing
liquid from my lips My lightheadedness forcing my eyes close I lay
in a corner quite and still trying not to move trying not to breath
heavenlyjaystar@aol.com
She's starving
She's starving for attention Losing life fast there comming after
her All the monsters in her head They want her back She's starving
No one understands She can't eat without The voice in her head It
haunts her No one can help She's starving for attention dying slowy
But no one seems to care She's weak Broken She's starving
heavenlyjaystar@aol.com
The Vanity Pool (What I see in the Mirror)
Shift. Across the fluid plane, The ripple in the mirror, Vanity's
deep and traitorous pool. The glass still cool and sober, Merely
reporting the flesh's strange expanse, Blameless, as anger whells
in caustic tears, Pulling in to the blackest depts, Into the choking
maelstrom. This curse, plagues, distorting Vision, Contorting Sanity
at her whim. Laughing insistant on judgement, Lurking in the shadows,
preying, Demanding a verdict and execution With the certainty of
dust.
missflamingo2003@yahoo.co.uk
No Name Provided
I have spread myself out on the thin blades of green grass. each
one embraces my newly carved ribs and hips. my fists unclenched
above my head. I close my eyes and allow the soft breeze to lift
me up and above the earth for the very first time. Is there anything
more beautiful than a feather dancing in the wind?
uponcloudnine@msn.com
Once Upon A Time
theres a little girl that i once knew... not a christian , not a
jew... she loved everyone..never shared words of hate gave every
part of her heart away..now that little girl..is beaten and bruised..so
misled , so misused..her once tender heart is now cold, hidden under
piles of stone never to trust or love again..no she wont be lied
to .. now i sip my coffee... take all my pills...yes .. with each
cut i feel a thrill.... maybe im sick..maybe im just hurt...but
you'll never be close enough..no you'll never be close enough to
know... im all skin and bones..yes soon ill be nothing... nothing
to miss and nothing to hurt...nothing to hate, .. maybe someone
someday will love me...but right now..im in control...yet..not even
I love me.. everyone must be better...they're all above me... no
one could ever love me... im so hard to melt..its too hard to break
thruogh...so turn back now.. i cant remember me without a you...so
where do i go now...wat do i do...just lying here wishing wat was
next to me was you..instead of me lying here all alone hugging my
pillow...laughing myself to sleep...
FaiRyG0dess15@aol.com
Inside You
Your eyes shine with something unknown
You know of wisdoms in which we don't
Your smile carries strength of great magnitude
You wish though that they saw it is not really that
Your laugh filled with music echos in all
You know the cover is for pain of deep
Your walk is brisk and alive ready for all
You know of the death and sleep hidden inside
Your clothes are well kept and in style
You wish your soul was the same way
Your body is tiny and the perfect size
You don't think this is so or possible
Your bracelets say you are into fashion
You know what they realy hide underneath
Your devotion to work says you care
You know the care for yourself is over
You love of nature shows sensitivity
You see this love as one of escape from your hate
Your tears show you have normal pain
You know their fake because your soul is brocken
Your knowledge is vast and facinating
You know you use it to hurt yourself
Your art shows great warmth
You know it is how you wish you could be
Your eyes shine with something unknown
You know of wisdom you wish you didn't
littlemoonbunny@lycos.com
Dark Night of the Soul
The weight of my body imprisons me My Reflection horribly enchanting
Not resembling what other people see My body, my soul, I\'m starving
Self-indulged famine for perfection I am trapped in the dark night
of the soul Searching for the warm rays of the sun Holding Ana\'s
hand to make myself whole With hate I cry from the dark at the light
Where everyone can see my hateful tears Quarreling with my erroneous
sight I battle my insane obsessive fears Bearing a body as heavy
as stone My hurt turns, feeling totally alone mayla_ana@hotmail.com
acidic rain
my white face
my blood-shot eyes
my paper thin arms
my pencil thin figure
my dancing through the rain and not feeling a drop
my heart skipping beats all the time
my fingers clutching my cure
my not ever letting it touch my lips
my tears are like acid
my hope is like death
my face was once like an angel
my body now cries
"acidic rain"
ana_thingurl@yahoo.com
Hellish life
I'm lost in away that I cannot explain, There's so much hurt and
too much pain. There's guilt, confusion, depression, and defeat
What causes this? - You ask Nothing but the reflection staring back
at me, telling me not to eat I don't know why I feel this way, Please
GOD, take Ana's horrid voice away There's a tug-of-war going on
in my head. I'm afraid if Ana wins; I'll end up dead I try to eat
whatever I please, But then cry tears no one sees. My Muscles and
bones are no longer weak; Yet Ana's voice is growing louder each
week. There is still one question left in my shattered mind... Do
I tell Ana to shut up? Or simply turn the volume up? Dancebrain@aol.com
Guilty Existence
I'm eating a banana nut muffin.
Now I’m slicing my arms with razor blades.
I’m bleeding a lot.
I want to go rid it because I’m morbidly corpulent.
I can’t; the blood is hastening through my head.
I feel dizzy and light headed.
I plead that I will depart this life soon, by no means existing
in this agony again!
I plummet to the floor, the blood rushing out of my veins
like a rivulet in
the heart of the forest.
I awaken, to find that it wasn’t a dream; more like veracity
inflowing a dream.
Written from experience: Alex G.
boyinterrupted68@hotmail.com |
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