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denyellabe's Story

I had had 'issues' with food for many many long years, I have been MIA, ANA, and COE (blaaugh). I strongly believe in 'controlled eating' or as some may say pro ana. I am always looking for like minded people who want to talk, share and be friends in the journy together. Currently I am at the higher end of my range of weight and will be back to the lower end in one to two months. denyellabe@yahoo.com.au
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Crystal's Story

I've had a few different experiences with anorexia actually. When I was in middle school I felt like a total loser. It seemed like every girl I saw was a skinny super model. I decided I wanted to look like them so I stopped eating. The first time I only did it for about 2 weeks. I was so little that I didn't understand what I was doing at first. Then, once I started high school it was a totally different. I wanted to look hot and I had it in my mind that I would do whatever it took to be that way. I wanted to be super skinny and want all the guys to adore me. I would skip lunch at school and just lie, and tell people that I didn't feel good or that I usually only ate breakfast and dinner. I always found some way to lie and make up an excuse. This phase lasted a few months. At first I only lost 10 pounds. I realized that when I was depressed is when I would starve myself sick. When I got into a relationship with this guy A.J., he made me happy and got me started eating again. I hadn't had anymore episodes until just recently. It's been 2 years since A.J. and I met and I had a baby (A.J.'s), about 7 weeks ago and I weigh 135 pounds. I ate like I was supposed to during my pregnancy. Before I got pregnant I was down to 115. I hate myself now...I hate the way I look. I haven't been eating much and I'm starting to enter one of my phases again, only this time I actually want to and I don't want to stop. I want to be skinny again, and not like I was before..I want to be skinnier. I want to weight 105-110. BbyBlu0602@hotmail.com
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Lorey's Story

I guess you could say i've had an eating disorder most of my life, i started with obsessive compolsive over eating when i was about 6 when my mom married my stepfather, i was not then nor am i now remotely happy or even okay with it. then i started to gain weight and before this time i had always been thin then before i knew it i was 12 going on 13and my weight was 270lb i was terefied, then i started walking and swiming a lot, i'm homeschooled and have been since i was 7 years old, then i went down to 210lb and stayd there for about a year maby two, then at the age of 15 i begun to do research on anorexia, i had always been intriged by it but i was not satisfied with what the doctors had to say about the matter... so, i looked for answers from real life anorexics and then i decided to follow that and before i knew it i was down to 195lb with fasting and exersizeing, the diet pills helped alot but the laxatives i took whenever i ate helped more. when i read the "letter from ana" it didn't scear me it actualy chalenged me, or at leats that is how i saw it. and so here i am 17 years old and more determined than ever before. angelgirl122586@yahoo.com
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Joni's Story

I'm that weird girl who sits by herself at lunch. My current life revols around work, eating, throwing up, dieting and cutting. Yeah, I’m a mia and SI. I also dabble in the teenage art of depression, but hell, every teen is an Orphelia. Why? I have no idea. When I moved school at the age of 15, I became anorexic with the social isolation that being the ‘new girl’ in a smallish school entailed. I fasted, jogged and weighed apples. My mum took me to the doctor thinking that I had early warning signs of cancer; I ended up with a shrink referral. Then I started to eat, Not just eat, but binge, stuff, gorge and pig, and naturally I lost my sylph like form. Not fat, but ‘healthy’. The obvious solution to this was a 30 minute ab exercise infront of the toilet every day, after every meal. Now I’ve been a full-time purging and restricting mia for nearly 2 years. Maybe one day I’ll go back to ana; who knows? missflamingo2003@yahoo.co.uk
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Ana's Story

I started out just wanting to drop about 10 pounds, but restricting. But when the 10 pounds were gone I noticed the fat was still there. I began to look around and notice how different my body was to those I admired. My original standards were not good enough. The girls that all the guys I liked were 2-3x smaller than me. At first I just thought I was trying to shed some weight. It was no big deal to me. Restrict and exercise. And then when my will power gave out and I ate things I shouldnt I would purge. Yet it seemed no matter what I did, I wasnt getting the results I wanted. My goals always seemed so out of reach. I felt so frustrated. When I tried to talk to my friends about it, the looks they gave me told me they didnt understand. That frustrated me more. How could they not understand. Alls anyone had to do was look around and see how beautiful thin people look. I needed to find something that I could relate to. So I searched the internet and found so many people who saw things like I did. People who realized that my standards were not unreasonable. That I have to live with what I feel is acceptable. I also learned some great tips and learned to stop purging. I\'ve come to accept myself. anarageous@yahoo.com
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Kel's Story

Hmmm...my story. It's kind of hard to tell, because I don't really know where it started. I guess in retrospect, I would choose 1999. I went through a pretty horendous break-up my sophomore year in college, and I just shut down. I didn't sleep, eat, go out, talk to anyone, nothing. I just studied -- I had an amazing GPA that semester! At the same time, I discovered the therapeutic effects of running...running my a$$ off. Just running. No eating, no sleeping, just running and studying. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just trying to cope. I vaguely remember noticing that my clothes weren't fitting so well anymore. In fact, they were falling off. But I had just come through freshman year, where the Freshman-15 was very much a reality for me, so I guess I just figured I was shedding those extra pounds. I was 135 all through high school, went up to who-knows-what my freshman year, and then, in the span of 3 months, I dropped to 109. At the time, I didn't realize I had a problem. In fact, the day I ended up in the hospital, I remember the ER doctor asking me what I had eaten that day, and I said "nothing." And as he tried to figure out what and when I had last eaten, I thought "Oh no, I sound so anorexic! He's going to think I have an eating disorder!" When I went home for spring break that year, my friends all freaked out, and it was then that I realized that I had lost a ton of weight. It became addictive. I think I maintained it for a few reasons: a) I still had no appetite. It took 4 years to get over that break up -- at least I think I'm over it now! b) I sought the attention. I was feeling so awful about myself, I needed some kind of reinforcement from others. c) I thought "oh my gosh! how fat I must have been before!" From then, I eventually started eating a bit more, but I then maintained around 120 instead of my usual 135. Somewhere in there, I became unhealthily obsessed with my weight and food and calories. I have bouts of weight gain, and when it gets out of hand, I usually slide into bulemia and that will eventually fade back into anorexia until I'm back down below 120. I have never made it back down to 109, but it is still a goal. I didn't recognize my ED until about March 2003. I was freaking out about my weight, and I was purging most every night, and I took a step back and looked at myself. I heard my sister's voice in my head saying "You're not going to go anorexic on us again, are you?" At the time, I had been really angry with her, because I didn't think I was ana. But last year, I finally realized I was; I finally admitted it to myself, sort of. I still think I'm too fat to have an ED. I kind of fluxtuate now...I did really well this summer before my sister's wedding, but now I'm a cow again. I wish I didn't put so much stock in how I look. I feel like the person that I am is directly related to what the scale reads. I hate when people say that I am skinny, because it makes me feel so fat. I hate how critical I am of myself, and I hate how I think that other's opinion of me is dependent upon how thin/fat I may be at the moment. But as much as I know those thoughts are wrong, I can't seem to get around them. I've thought about recovery, but I only want to recover if I can stay skinny! iamkelly357@yahoo.com
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Meana's Story

I am 19 years old and have had anorexia for 6 years now. I have not always been strict in my eating during thoose 6 years. It started in middle school when i was staying with family one summer. I have always been a really picky eater and the only things my family cooked where foods that i did not like so i rarely ate. After i got back home i was given lots of complements about how good i looked becuase i lost weight. Things just seemed to be going better. I wanted to see how much that i could lose so I continued with my diet. Once i got down to my lowest weight people started telling me i looked sick all the time (but i felt sooo good and i thought i looked great). I was also doing alot like marching band (where i have to stand in the hot sun and not move for 10 mins). I finally got real sick durning band practice. I was standing out and just passed out. It was the first time i fainted in public. I was sent to the hospital even though i was awake and moving by the time the ambulance got there. The Docter just said it was dehydration and had nothing to do with eating disorders. After that happened i started to get really scared and yo-yo dieted. I would tell myself im crazy and i dont need to be doing this to myself i should love who i am yada yada yadda. Then i would gain 10 pounds. freak out and lose 15. recently i discovered that i have a friend who was also anorexic and is looking to get back to it so together we have been doing this together for a few months now. MenanaMoiana@aol.com
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Lauran's Story

Well, my story is a little sordid, so hold on. When I was 14 my parents had a rip-roaring divorce that left my 2 younger sisters and I to fend for ourselves in between 2 insane people; my father was a drunk and my mom is just crazy. My father plucked my sisters and I up and left my mom, who proceeded to get (somewhat understandably)hysterical every time she would ever see us. Trying to get away from it all, my dad rented a cottage on the lake for us to stay at that summer,where the owners had left behind a copy of People with a feature on eating disorders. The article contained in-depth details on the rituals of young bulimic women and I studied it in detail, out of boredom as much as sadness (there was nothing else to do; we were in the middle of nowhere). Soon, I was making myself throw up so I could eat more cookies - the first time, I felt so stupid! I eventually got really good at it and started to get high on the results, which gave me a feeling of control at a time when my parents were fucking with everything in my life they could in order to spite one another. Although I'm naturally about 155 lbs when I'm healthy and not measuring food, by the time I was 17/18 I was regularly weighing in at the low 130s (I'm 5'8" and fairly big-boned). I had almost completely stopped binging and was very proud of myself for staying thin almost completely naturally. However,people started to notice things, particularly my sisters, which bothered me a lot because I didn't want to get them started into it. As good as I was at hiding it, my sister had alerted my mom to it and she started watching me like a hawk, and even confronted me about throwing up. Although I don't think you ever truly lose an ED, the fun of it can subside, especially when someone else is trying to take control of it away from you and you just don't feel like defending it anymore (deep down, you always know it's stupid). I went pretty much straight and have barely thrown up at all for the past 4 years, although knowing how does come in handy when you drink too much and need to get it out ;)!! However, about 2 years ago I got really depressed, worse than I had ever been before, and lost about 30-40 pounds pretty suddenly. It was the first time in my life I had lost weight, especially that much, without trying, and it was horrible. I ended up in the psych ward at the hospital with people trying to feed me and take care of me and generally just making things worse. The antidepressants made me feel crazy and out of control, but no one would let me stop taking them, and the longer I took them the more I got diagnosed as bipolar which is just stupid and a nightmare for me because that's what everyone says my mom is. I've since decided to stop taking them on my own, which is a risky decision, but I feel pretty good about it, and I've been drug-free for about 5 months now and feel better every day. However, over time the weight has crept back up on me and I think sometimes I just eat to feel safe. I want the control back, and I don't want to be anorexic-looking, but just to have a nice body again, and I think I'm ready to do it right this time, because now I'm thinking about the the long-term. I want to look nice, be slim and in control, and I want to be happy about it. I don't think that's unhealthy, so if you think it is, shut up, because you haven't been through the shit I have and I'm not going to ignore how I feel anymore. And that's my story...I hope I can find some of the stuff I need here, and find some other people who are as cool to their own issues as I'm starting to be. -L. laurmorr@hotmail.com
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Sarah's Story

It is not been a long time since i discover that i have an eating disorder.I first started to make crazy diets when i was 12(im now 17).Then, not too long ago i started to make myself throw up.It is maybe stupid but i started to like doin it cause i feel really better after eatin all those crap.Im a huge eater.but now...durin my days i dont eat anythin or maybe like an apple or somethin and i feel bad so i make myself throw up.I dont know why all that burst suddenly my world...Maybe because i seriously wanna be a model.my life is now a torture.Food is my worst fear.i feel like i couldnt never eat normally again.all i need is some support just to help me goin through my days......I have a lot of things to say but i wanna chat with some people...please im totally in need here... lovingfrack@hotmail.com
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Klaudia's Story

Well, im a 16 year-old girl, from Hungary (Eastern Europe). I used to be very thin always, until the age of 13. I could eat as many chocolates as i wanted, and a lot of food, but i didn't gain a pound. I used to do ballet, ice-dancing, so i used out my opportunities. But than about the age of 13 my legs started to be very fat... I wasn't the skinniest girl any longer.. i used to be always the thinnest in my school-classes, and at the ballet courses... So it was very bad for me.. i was always sad... everybody told me not to worry about my weight; i look so good, but i couldn't believe them... i watched beauty-magazines all day, and i was thinking why not can i be the skinniest again... So i started to have a diet... IT WAS VERY-VERY EASY; EAT AS LESS AS IT'S POSSIBLE!! it was my philosophy... not only was, till today... now i'm 171 cm and 40 kg, but i'm not enough... i was at hospitals and at the pschiatrist, but i can't stop this, i'm so fat.. and i want to be the skinniest....--that's my biggest dream... klaudiahorvath@hotmail.com
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Wen's Story

When I was little I remember sneaking food.. I would eat only half of dinner then I would wait till everyone went to sleep and went to the fridge and ate what ever i could and drink up all the soda. I was always a skinny little always under weight. When I was in high school I weighted 90-97 lbs never went over that. I found myself never hungry because I was always depressed or to excited to eat. Eating was never really a problem untill i got into my 20's THen I tried not to stuff my face and I threw up everything. I got pregnant with kid #1 and tried to loss weight I would eat diet pills and laxies and drink beer and then I realized that I was gaining weight from all the calories in beer and stopped drinking.... Now I am pregnant with kid #3 and am trying dessperatley to stop the binge& purge but find myself at the toilet and saying prays to God to let me have a healthy baby..(well see...) My lowest weight was 85lbs at 5'3 ...that was cheating because I was using drugs to get there.. my highest was 170.... before I got pregnant this last time I was at 108 and on my way to 100lbs I am 8 months pregnant and weight 130 I am trying to just eat healthy and not eat red meat and just fruits and veggies... but There are times when I have to force myself to eat because of the baby. dragonflymia@hotmail.com
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Mary's Story

I was a chubby child growing up. I can remember when I was in the 3rd grade, and some boys at school were making fun of me. They told me that I was too fat and that I should suck my fat stomach in because no one wanted to see that. I just shrugged it off while I was standing there talking to them, but those words stuck with me. I went home and thought about what they said. I decided to put myself on a diet. I stopped eating sweets and anything sugary or fattening. I would run tons of laps around my neighborhood everyday, even when it was summertime. I was happy when I felt hunger pangs. I would smile and think to myself about how good it would feel to get thin, how people would like and treat me differently. I continued restricting and exercising on and off throughout middle school and some of high school. When I was a sophomore in high school I was talking to my best friend, who was a lot thinner than me, about how fat I had gotten over the past few months. We decided to go on a fast together. We would watch what each other ate and motivate and encourage each other. One day I saw her eating some small chocolate donuts that you buy out of the vending machine, and I confronted her about it. She said she didn't care anymore and that I was a freak for restricting myself. I realized right there that I was all alone, with no one to talk to, no one to relate to. But, I didn't let her stop me. I kept doing what I did. I started having family problems about 2 years ago and I began gaining lots of weight. I exploded up to a 250 pound girl....who is only 5'3! I was HUGE!!!! I felt so depressed about my situation and things that were going on in my life that I stopped eating and slept all day long. Ever since then it's been up and down. I have my good days and bad days just like anyone else, but in the past 6 months I've really been slacking off. I'm now 193 pounds and 5'3. I have a long ways to go to reach my goal of being at least 107 pounds by the end of summer, but anything is possible if I get my fat ass in gear. mknewcreation@yahoo.com
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Danielle's Story

Well. Where to begin? I am nearly 19 years old and I have been living with an eating disorder, or at least eating 'issues' for about 6 or 7 years now. I have never been formally diagnosed as anorexic, but I believe that my behaviors absolutely coincide with the typical 'diagnosis'. I have also, on occasion, indulged in stereotypical bulimic behaviors (ie. purging, laxative abuse). I also have a history of self-injury. I suppose that it all started around grade 7 or 8 when I first became aware of my body and it's differences with others. Things started out quite small, only eating half of my lunch and pretzels instead of my usual after-school snack. In grade 8 I experimented with purging. It was in grade 7 that I read 'The Best Little Girl in the World'. I was a dancer until only a few months ago (when I started University) and I somehow believe that that book had a lot of influence on my negative feelings. By grade 9 I was steadily increasing odd eating behaviors and by grade 10 I was fully involved and captive of them. I started this whole journey at around 112lbs, at 5'3. My lowest weight was 88lbs. At the moment, I'm at my high weight... this is from going to university and beginning to binge quite often from stress and a new-form of self-punishment. However, my behaviors are still quite revelent and a vast part of my life. Sometimes, I wish that this would just all go away... But then I think- what would I be without this? The lack of answer that comes to mind is startling at times... and I guess it scares me. All I know is that this is a huge part of me now, and I do not see it diminishing any time soon. Whether this is bad, or good, I cannot say. dransom@artsmail.uwaterloo.ca
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Manor's Story

Basically i have been hospitalize 3 tiomes for anorexia and i'm still anorexic.After i was hospitalizd the first time over a year and 1/2 ao i was "better" for a few months then stood on the sscale one day and cried....then i began starving myself again and then i was hospitalized again. I was realizd in may 2003 and i got worse after that. Then in november i was put in a special eating disorder clinic in Ohio. I was there for 3 months and i was ralized in feburary and i am getting worse slowly but surely BelowFreezin8@aol.com
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Alexis's Story

Hey everyone, my name is Alexis. I'm anorexic (bulimic when necessary)and it all started in the 9th grade when i started high school. I'm currently 19 and a freshman at Columbia University in New York City. So lets see...I started taking gymnastics when i was about 5 years old. I was always on the thin side-i guess i had to be just because i had to keep myself in shape. Gymnastics got really competitive, once i started competing, and the coaches were really hard on us. (I'm sure all of you who have been in a similar situation know what im talking about)but anyway, once i hit 9th grade, i became really self conscious and my coaches were very focused on the outward body part so i started watching my food intake even though i was perfectly thin enough. well, one thing led to another and its pretty obvious what the consecutive events were. Eventually i wound up being hospitalized and lemme tell you, it wasnt fun. Initially, i wanted to recover and all that stuff blah blah blah but then it got too hard. I've been in and out of hospitals for the past couple of years but now that im in college, i can hide it alot easier and im not exactly at such a low weight that they could even do anything about it anyway (unfortunately. my current status is-- im 5'4" and about 112. i just started taking xantrex-3 so if anyone has any info about it, lemme know!! i really need to lose big right now, i want to get down to at least 95 so if anyone has any good diet pill info, then please, lemme know about that too. well i guess thats my story, if anyone ever needs to talk, feel free to email me! (jaded418@hotmail.com) Love Alexis jaded418@hotmail.com
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Kristin's Story

When I was 15 I was naturally skinny, 5'4" and 115, and a size three. The I met my high school sweetheart. We dated for few months then I went on the pill, which killed my metabolism. So after that, it was a struggle to stay below 135. At 17, he and I broke up and I was stuck fat and alone. So I began to restrict to 600 cals a day and worked out an hour every day. Then it became this obsession and I got in perfect shape, 120 but like all muscle. Then I went into this depression, and like drank myself to death all the time, which of course made me gain weight. Gross.... But then I came to college this past September, and I began to lose weight from not drinking. Then cheerleading started and I began to go back to working out every day, and switched between mia and ana. This brings me to now, I'm 126 and trying to get to 115 by the end of may. I eat 500 cals a day, if I go over or if I feel too full after 500 cals, I purge. I work out every day, biking 11 miles on the stationary(thats 550 cals!) and doing 8 minute abs. I lost 3 pounds this week:). There's my story...and I wont rest until I'm perfect, which will be never.. pooh8588@aol.com
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Koshkas' Story

I am seeking complete control over my mind and body. I want to be strong and successful in this aspect. It seems to me that once I can take control over my being, then I will be closer to taking control over my whole life. Everyone is fat nowadays, and the people out there with self-control are envied, loved, and ultimately at the top of the "food chain." I want to be on top so badly. So here it is: I am 5'3", about 135 pounds and I can barely squeeze into a size 7. It's simply sad and troubling. I need to lose about 20 pounds and drop to a size 4-5 desperately. I can do this. korova69@hotmail.com
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Sarah's Story

Hi everyone...not really sure how to begin. I became bulimic because of a boy i was going out with, he continually bombared me with stories of beautiful skinny girls throwing themselves at him while i was at uni. Anyway, it really got to me, and at about 9 1/2 stone i was hardly morbidly obese, btu i did everything i could to get smaller. I felt like i was actually physically taking up too much space in the world. I stopped eating carbs first of all, i was smokign a lot of cigarttes, even 40 a day sometimes to curb my appetite. I was not buying much food in at uni, just friut and veg. I began throwing up and taking sometimes up to 50 laxatives a day also. I became fanatical abotu exercise and it was my whole world, the way i looked, and how skinny i was. I was only intersted in how many of my ribs i could see about my vest top. I thought being able to see my bones through my skin was really beautiful. I'm not sure how my story does or will end. I'm not it's ever somethign that goes away,it's always there every day, with every piece of food you look at, every time you watch the TV and see celebs like Calista Flockhart and Katie Holmes getting skinnier and skinnier by the series. And you ask yourself how they do it, and why you can't. Sometimes i feel really weak if i eat something i really. angel_dudt13@hotmail.com
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Ashley's Story

For most of my life, I had been overweight. All through grade school I had been teased. Not only that, when I was 9, my parents divorced, and my mom got with an alcoholic that both verbally and physically abused her. He still does it to this day. At the time, though, I wasn't too affected by it, since I was so close to my grandma. However, as things started getting harder for me, I started taking my frustrations out on her. I don't know why I did it. I felt bad after it every time. At age 12, I came to one conclusion. If I lost weight, at least that would be one problem I wouldn't have to worry about. My friend gave me the idea of throwing up to control your weight. And that's when it started... I don't even remember the first times I did it. I just remember doing it. I learned what foods were the easiest to vomit. I never binged, though, since I was too afraid to ever do that. For a year, I did this all in secret. Then, when my grandma got sick, I decided I needed to tell my mom. She was pretty devastated. A month later, my grandma died. It was probably the worst time of my life. I fell into a depression and had to be put in the hospital. There, I was only treated for depression though. They thought the eating disorder wasn't too serious, since I was still at a "normal" weight. So, I continued to lose weight. It would fade off and then come back strong in a pattern for the next 3 years. Then, it came back strong again 6 months ago and it wouldn't go away. By this time, I was starting to really get sick. I would almost pass out everytime I exercised, have no more than 400 calories a day (unless I threw up), and I was losing weight fast. I felt very alone as well. My mom was looking everywhere for me to get help. Finally, we got into partial hospitalization. By that time, I was down to 97 pounds. All together, from the time I was 12, I lost 83 pounds. I wanted to lose more, though, because I still felt fat. I KNEW I was fat. I didn't want to be put in the hospital, but I gave it a shot. They said I had a mix of anorexia and bulimia, since I purged, but didn't binge. I restricted a lot, too. And that is where I am. Currently, I have two more weeks left. I plan on dieting when I come out, though. I've gained 9 pounds and it's driving me nuts. I know my eating disorder hasn't left. I have never felt so stressed out and out of control in my entire life. I guess you could say I'm "recovering," but it's definitely against my will. I just want to be happy with my body. nc_luver2000@yahoo.com
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Mel's Story

When I was 13 I was 5'3" tall and 158 pounds -- then I saw "A Secret Between Friends" on TV and thought that starving myself and purging could help me... A few months later I was down to 94 pounds -- anorexic. A few months after that I'd gained back 20 pounds and was a full fledged bulimic. And back and forth for awhile... At 18 I became pregnant w/my first child w/my husband and the pounds piled on, since I could no longer (wouldn't let myself!) purge... then after my 2nd child I hit an all time high (really high) of 246 pounds at 9 months pregnant! After giving birth, a week later I was 220. And then my quest to lose all this weight began. That was 9 months ago, now I'm down to 153 pounds and counting, aiming to be 110 or less by August! So I've run the gaument of ED's from ana/mia/coe, and it's been almost 8 years now since it all started. That's my story thus far... I'm always here to talk... butterflyflutterby82@yahoo.com
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