Katie's Story
When I was 12 my mom and step mom both got pregnant. I was really, very
happy. I couldn't wait to hold those cute little babies in my arms and
play with them. But when they came, a lot of the attention that I had
received as an only child was gone. I got very jealous. Not at them,
but at my parents. They acted as though I wasn't there sometimes. So
to receive attention I began starving myself. They found out and sent
me to a therapist. I was fine. I could have stopped the day I wanted
to. So, I just did and things got back to normal. What I didn't know
is that a year later things would get much worse. I woke up one day
and got ready to go to ballet. I weighed 120 and I was 5"4. Typically
normal weight for a 13 year old. Not for me. Every time I saw myself
in my leotard I wanted to die. All the other ballerinas weighed 105-100
or less. And there was me, Fat old Katie. So I decided to diet. Not
for attention. I could care less about attention. This was and still
is for me. I lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks. I ate no breakfast no lunch
and no dinner. I still eat like that. I weigh myself day and night about
2 times every hour. My mom doesn't know. My dad doesn't know. Lately
I have been very mean to everyone around me. I wonder how they can look
at my and not see what's going on. I mean I still consider myself at
109 and 5"5 very, very, very, very fat. I know that someday I am going
to have to stop, or something serious could happen to me. But I am not
ready to stop. This is just something I need to do for me. I hope someone
can relate.
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Luana's Story
My name is Luana. I am 17 y/o & I don't think I'll be able 2 make it
past that @ the r8 I am going. Food has always been a predominant issue
throughout my life: *A dancer since age four (ballet, among other classical
forms of dancing), dieting, body shape/size, and weight have always
been thematical. *My mother, both a former dancer AND anorexic was forced
to stop dancing due to repercussions from her disease. *My great-grandmother
and grandfather both died of diabetes, and our family has always been
very cautious of our sugar-intakes. Amounts in recipes were reduced,
the name sugar-free coated our cabinets, and I grew up on artificial
sweeteners. I grew up overweight. From the time I was eight to my seventh
grade year (around the time puberty hit) my family feared for my health.
Fat cells were developing, blood sugar and cholesterol climbing, and
self-esteem dwindling. I grew up on a diet. In seventh grade I decided
to change it. I stopped eating lunch. My mental processes primed for
the onset of anorexia. According to my "team of experts" my anorexia
set in around the time I was eleven, but the behavioral symptoms didn't
begin to manifest until much later on. I lost the excess weight in a
somewhat healthy way. I didn't restrict or fast. I ate healthily, exercised.
For the next two years I didn't much have an issue with food. I was
a normal kid, FINALLY thin and able to eat like all my friends. I was
happy. Freshman year in high school. The freshman fifteen hit. I don't
know if I was compulsively overeating, or if it was "creeping obesity,"
or WHAT happened. But I gained. I gained fast. Flashbacks of my youth
- taunted, ridiculed, and alone for my weight - tortured my mind. That
was when Anorexia came into my life. And there she remained for two
years. When I 1st began my anorexia it was due 2 a nutrition class I
took in school mandatory 4 graduation. I learned a lot about calories
& serving sizes right around the time I had begun the perpetual wt-gain.
I had gone 4om 117 2 a hefty 126... & I was 5'5" @ the time (I've since
then shrunken an "). I began "dieting" & the dieting became more & more
extreme 2 the pt where I began 2 play a game w/ myself of "how little
can I eat & still remain sati8ed." That was the worst summer of my life.
Sick of my inner torment I confessed 2 my mother, former dancer and
anorexic herself. She began 2 help me, sit w/ me @ every meal, talk
me thru them. She was scared 2 death of losing me 2 the same monster
that almost took her life. I began therapy. 4om day 1 I was threatened
2 b put on Boost/Ensure & that scared the living shit outta me. Then
1 day it happened. I sobbed. "But I eat 2000 cals a day! I don't wanna
gain anymore more weight! I worked so hard 2 lose it!" I was then at
a "healthy" 110 lbs (my minimum healthy wt). Then my T said the golden
words: "I doubt u don't even eat 800!" Bingo. 1 day 2 prove her wrong
I decided 2 COUNT EVERY SINGLE CALORIE THAT WENT INTO MY BODY. Hell,
I even counted the pepper I used to season my eggbeater. Ironically
enough, I don't remember the digits I was so proud of. But c, @ that
time I wasn't trying 2 lose wt. Just maintain what I had already accomplished.
So I began counting. & that allowed me 2 eat. I told myself I would
eventually wean myself off of it. Bcuz cooking adds calories w/ the
addition of spices, condiments, fats, etc, I began 2 do the cooking
around the house. It started out 2 "help my mom" bcuz @ that time she
worked a very stressful job, arrived home, had 2 drive me 2 ballet,
sit there for four hrs (we couldn't afford the gas costs) come home,
cook dinner 4 the following night. So I began cooking 3 meals every
Sunday & freezing them 4 the week. Why? So I could count. I also began
packing my moms' lunches in a an effort 2 not only control something
in my life, but also 2 rid the house of the "danger foods" by cramming
it down THEIR throats. So I ate. If I could count, I ate. I never went
PAST 2000, but I certainly didn’t try 2 restrict. I ceased therapy under
the false impression of recovery. 9 months later I weighed 95 lbs. Sometime
in between the calorie counting, after a year of severe restrictions,
my body rebelled against the deprivation. As we have all come 2 realize,
the depriv8ion of food leads 2 obsessive thoughts 2wards the forbidden
fruit. Our every thoughts r geared 2wds wt, food, body image, etc. I
think this was right around the time that food became my #1 friend.
Every meal was something I looked fwd 2. C, unlike most anorexics, I
have always HATED restricting (I've never fully fasted). It was a torture
2 me. I love food & my reasoning behind my "diet" was 2 "save up" 4
when I couldn't control myself, or when I was @ a party, or when Mom
happened 2 cook a caloric meal, etc. But those events never came and
thus the wt went. NEway, my mind was also sick of being sick, of the
distorted thoughts. One night I binged. I didn't even know it was bingeing.
Didn't even know was it was. I was so malnourished and feeding myself
felt so wonderful that the guilt didn't come until the next day. Progressively
I dove into a vicious cycle: every Saturday night I binged. For the
remainder of the week I restricted. When it started, the amts weren't
that big. A Ben and Jerry's and a single-serve bag of pretzels, a box
of cookies & a lil milk chug... but the BEHAVIOR was bingeful (rapid,
violent, going 4om cabinet 2 cabinet, etc). Every Sat night. We'd go
grocery shopping. I'd offer 2 put the groceries away. I'd eat. We called
them "splurges." "I watch my wt all week, on the weekends I just don't
care." & I really thought that was it. But my "splurges" got bigger
& bigger & bigger. I really didn't mind much only bcuz of the fact that
every month when I went to the Dr's & stepped on that scale I was still
1 lb lighter. So 2 me it was WONDERFUL! I watched what I ate, but allowed
myself what I craved during the week (in ridiculously small amts...
thus the weight loss) & ate WHATEVER the fuck I wanted during the weekends.
& the wt still came off. I had my cake & ate it 2!! Then it just so
happy that my "splurging" became an addiction. 1 that grew more & more
& more. I isol8d. Didn't go out w/ friends so I could binge. Spent Saturday
nights eating & Sundays cooking & baking. *I continued to lose weight
despite my binge episodes. So @ 95 lbs I went back 2 my T. She almost
screamed when she saw me. Half dead both physically and mentally, ready
and willing to just GIVE UP AND DIE, I was admitted into an inpatient
facility -- The Renfrew Center. I was indifferent about it. Deep inside,
I was happy -- I GOT TO EAT! And it was OKAY! I didn’t think I looked
as skinny as the other chicks in rehab, but hey that was just me. W/
a raging OCD 2wrds school, I was doomed 2 spend the 1st 6 weeks of my
junior yr in HS -- my 1st yr in AP classes -- in Coconut Creek, FL @
the Renfrew Center. In sum ways it was the best experience of my life.
I learned SOOOO much about myself, my ED, my relationships in life...
God, I can't even describe how much I learned! & all I wanted was 2
get better. I wanted Ana outta my life 4ever. I just wanted 2 b normal,
2 eat normally, 2 not feel guilty every time I ate a fucking hamburger!
But I was scared of food. I was scared of food because I loved it SO
MUCH! I was afraid 2 take the 1st bite & not b able 2 stop. "If we rectify
the restricting, the bingeing will take care of itself." I believed
them. Fuck them. I arrived home, followed the meal plan, was SOOOOOOO
into recovery. I felt so full of life. I was so happy about so many
things. My body was working again! I didn't hafta do an enema every
2 weeks! I wasn't weak! I wasn't lightheaded! I wasn't cold anymore!
& I had a plan... if I binged I wasn't gonna restrict the next day as
I had previously. In was just gonna pick ^ the pieces & glue them back
2gether. I could afford 2 gain a lil bit of wt anyway, right? Yeah,
THAT mentality got the nowhere. I binged. Decided not 2 punish myself.
So binged again. Decided not 2 punish myself. & binged again. (No, I
didn't accidentally write the same sentences twice.) I had never b4
binged 2ce in a row. Let alone THREE! So slowly, but surely I was back
on a binge-restrict cycle. *Sigh* & that was when I actively began 2
pursue gaining sum of my anorexic qualities back. I wanted 2 eat slowly
again (it looks as if I'm ATTACKING food every time I eat it now!) I
wanted 2 not bulk ^ @ every meal (which I think came 4om being so STUFFED
@ rehab w/ my stomach shrunken that 1ce it returned 2 its normal size
I thought -- wait I'm supposed 2 b STUFFED... & increased the amt).
I wanted 2 b the thinnest again. I wanted 2 have control. Restricting
2 me means power... it makes me feel superhuman. Above the human race,
which must eat & sleep 2 live. I don't need any of those when Ana's
around. I wanted 2 b able 2 resist food again & not charge @ the mention
of it. I wanted 2 STOP GAINING WT! In May I went 4om 103 to 120 in a
matter of 1 wk. Sadly enough I AM trying 2 retrieve Ana back into my
life. I'm sick of being a pig. Sick of being a glutton. Sick of eating
until I can no longer cram any food down my throat, then retreating
to my bed where I lie in pain & agony until sleep finally comes, because
oh yeah... I'm 2 much of a pussy 2 puke. I know that's not a healthy
mentality! But now... I'm just desper8 2 end this bingeing! I feel as
if I'm gonna b eating disordered 4 the rest of my life. & ya know what?
If it's b/t binge eating & anorexia, FUCK! There's no competition and
Ana's the winner! "Keep trying," so says the wise owl. Sadly said, I
have come to a conclusion... I DONT WANT to try. I don't want 2 work
at it. *Sigh* I don't want recovery. There I've said it. & I really
don't. Maybe I will in the future. But 4 now, I don't. I was always
so against Pro-Ana sites & people who took this disease as a lifestyle.
I h8d being an anorexic & wanted nothing more than 2 rid myself of that
horrible beast. But look what recovery wrought onto me!!! I am SO SICK
of not being able 2 control myself around food. Of treating every meal
as if I were an animal starved 4 days. Savagely attacking my plate until
it has been licked spotless, bereft of any evidence that a mere 5 minutes
prior a mountainous helping had there lain upon it. I'm sick to death
of it. I miss the person I once was deep into my anorexia. Controlled,
poised, disciplined. Able 2 defy the laws of nature & survive on minimal
food, sleep, and rest. Able 2 refute my body, dispense its corporal
needs and desires. See, self-punishment has somehow always brought me
intrinsic satisfaction. Sacrifice has always made me feel worthy. My
mother is the most selfless person I have ever known in my entire life.
Never in all my years have I ever witnessed her put herself before others.
She forgoes her own happiness in order to please others; will put herself
through utmost MISERY in order 2 care 4 the 1s around her, the 1s she
loves. I am the complete opposite. I am a very selfish person. I'm spoiled,
an only child. Especially when it comes 2 my mom. As I look back upon
my life it's always been take, take, take, take. Sure, once in a while
I'd give, but rarely were these events. My relationship w/ my mom has
held the thematical stance that I am a selfish person. These 4ms of
self-sacrilege that my disordered mind has devised offers me sanctity
in the belief that I am worthy. I too sacrifice myself. I too am a good
person. I don't eat so that others may. I don't sleep so that others
can. I don't rest, I take on all responsibilities so that others don't
have to. It gives me a euphoric feeling unattainable by any other means.
I know the psychobabble about "but there r others ways 2 get that exact
feeling." I wanna b a shrink 2 when I grow up, remember? The truth is,
I don't care. I know there are other ways out there. I just don't wanna
look. I tried. I tried recovery. I didn't like it. Didn't like the person
it turned me into. All my so-called "recovery" gave 2 me was a new diagnosis:
Binge-eating Disorder. I miss the self-control & discipline that accompanied
my eating rituals & rules. I miss the "you're SOOOOOOOOO thin" comments.
I miss eating whatever I wanted & still losing wt. I miss my bones.
*Scoff* U wouldn't even know they're there now. They're encased in a
cavern of fat. I don't WANT 2 b normal. I don't WANT 2 walk into a McDonald's,
eat a burger & not feel remorse or not punish myself 4 it afterwards.
I don't WANT 2 look normal. I want 2 b the thinnest. I miss my identity.
I miss my "label". I don't WANT 2 eat like every1 else. I want 2 b an
individual. Unique. & I choose 2 do it thru food. I have the knowledge.
I'm educ8ed. I know food won't kill me. I know 1 c of rice won't make
me gain 10 lbs. I know the effects of malnutrition. I know if I don't
get a period soon I may never have kids. I know by the time I am 30
my bones will have aged as if they were 60. I know my hair may b dry
and fall off. I know I may b constip8d 4 days/weeks. I know my stomach
will shrink. I know my immune system may dwindle. I know my electrolytes
will b imbalanced. I know my heart has a murmur. I know my potassium
may get so low I will b in danger of cardiac arrest. I'm not stupid.
Nor do I ignore these facts. Smokers know their lungs r a dark shade
of gray. Smokers know the lining of their lungs is slowly deterior8ing
w/ every puff. They know they r @ risk 4 emphysema, lung cancer, throat
cancer, trachea cancer, they may ruin their voice box and have to have
it removed. They still smoke. I am @ a crossroads. It is now time 4
me 2 make an educ8d decision. My disease is in my hands. It no longer
has a mind of it's own. It cannot control me anymore. I cannot use the
excuse "I can't help it." Yes I can. I have the tools, I have the structure,
and I have the knowledge. I CHOOSE not 2 use them. It is my CHOICE.
Recovery wasn't worth it 4 me. It brought nothing but despair & sorrow.
But, that is ONE person's experience. Don't let me influence u. I urge
u 2 keep trying. I urge u 2 keep pressing on, fighting this battle.
If u really want it u will emerge victorious. I'm just so tired, depressed...
willing 2 give up. Currently… I’m either COMPLETELY Ana or COMPLETELY
Ed. Meaning fasting/restricting or bingeing &/or purging. I noticed
that every time I take ONE BITE of a “forbidden food”, a food NOT on
my “restriction list” I go overboard and end up bingeing. That depresses
me SO MUCH b/c I WANNA b able 2 eat a variety of foods in lil portions
so that I can go back 2 losing wt w/o deprivation like I used 2 do when
I was 1st anorexic (in search of recovery). I’m SO DEPREIVED during
restrictions that when I ALLOW myself that bite I get “mouth hungry”
& have this FERAL NEED 2 just shove large amts of food into my mouth,
chew rapidly, violently, swallow as fast as I can… it’s absolutely savage.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT AND STOP! I probably binge 3-4
times in a given week now. I only purge like 2 of those. But the good
thing is binges happen late at night so no daylong bingeing and I’m
so nauseated the next morn I don’t even WANNA touch food! Plus, bingeing
sends my body into hyper-metab 4-sum reason. Weird. I purge about 2ce
b/c purging takes a WHILE 4 me n a LOT of energy. & 1ce I start I don’t
stop 1/2way.. I go all out. Despite all this I reached my goal wt! 100lbs
sopping wet! I wanna gradually go 2 95 so I can have a fluctuation of
95-100, because I DO like food & WANNA b able 2 eat… anorexic ally!
But I’m gonna do that by eating very similarly 2 how I used 2 eat when
I was “Luana – anorexic pursuing recovery” n still lost 1lb/month! Except
I’ll b tweaking the cal intake 4 about 4lbs/month wt-loss. I need 2
curb the binges. I need 2 learn 2 eat ana again & not BINGE w/ “rewards.”
I finally was able 2 identify my triggers… but they’re hard 2 avoid
when you’re STARVING (things like taking ONE big bite, picking off you’re
plate b4 sitting down 2 eat). I NEED SUM FUCKING SELF-CONTROL! I NEED
2 LEARN 2 EAT W/O EATING EVERYTHING! WTF IS WRONG W/ ME? My OCD’s been
pretty rampant. I had a nervous breakdown this week. I couldn’t even
move, I just sat there & cried. I wanted to die so badly 4om the stress
I put on myself. I became physically sick last Fri due 2 stress n had
2 call into work. I don’t even know if my check will cover our utilities
this month. Especially since our roommate is moving out. How r me n
my mom gonna keep this house over our heads? So that's Luana. Uncut,
uncensored, untamed. Sorry it’s so LONG! AnAngelicDisciple@aol.com
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Mindy's Story
I don’t really have a great story... I am 20 years old... I am 5'8"
and 135lbs but I want to be 120lbs so that is what I am working on.
I have been mia but I am trying to be only ana for now on because of
what it can eventually do to your teeth. I have had my Ed for almost
5 years... off and on but its time for me to get back on... I got to
loose this fat ass belly.... and discipline myself from now on... this
site has helped....great motivation...
Sweetlilmindy@aol.com
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Ish's Story
I am a 14-year-old male and I have not eaten for 5 days, I would be
the fattest person you ever saw if I was walking on the street. I weigh
220 pounds(15 stone) and I want to carry on not eating. my "friend"
told me that he would tell the school counselor if I didn’t and he was
making me fell guilty about burdening him with my problem and that he
had enough worry’s. So now I have just had a meal and I feel as miserable
as ever- my stomach hurts, I have put on the stone that I lost and I
have nobody to talk to. I am determined to not eat and I will not until
I lose 5 stone or I have made my image much better.
ishfarout@hotmail.com
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Megan's Story
Yeah well, I really don't know when I first became anorexic. I started
becoming obsessed with my weight about 3 years ago. It climaxed finally
at the beginning of September 2003, and I became anorexic. I lost about
25 pounds in a month and a half, then I just stopped. I gained it all
back, plus more. So that brings me to where I am now. I'm back to being
anorexic, and I've lost 5 pounds this week already. Strmdancer04@aol.com
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Cappriona's Story
i am 23 yr old australian teacher and have been ana/mia for the last
five years or so. My lowest weight was 42kg (175cm). I am now at 52kg
and am struggling to get to my goal weight of 48kg. I have never had
any childhood issues and don't really know where my ED has stemmed from.
I did try and diet a bit when i was in primary school (about 8-10) but
nothing very serious. All i can put it down to is pressure to succeed
at uni and severe depression from my life not working out exactly how
i planned. I have been in hospital for depression, but have so far not
been put in in for my ED. Hmmm i'm not sure what else to add, but im
looking for some new ana buddies and really think this site has something
to offer me. Thanks for taking the time to read this if there is anything
else you need to know feel free to email me.
cappriona@yahoo.com
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Nikki's Story
MY NAME IS NIKKI I AM 15 YEARS OLD AND I AM 100% PRO ANA/MIA. AT THE
AGE OF 11 I ENTERED THE MIDDLE SCHOOL, A RITZY LITTLE RICH SCHOOL WITH
CHILDREN WITH NATURALLY PERFECT BODIES. I WAS MONSTEROUS AT 5'1 AND
130 LBS (IT WAS DISGUSTING). 2 YEARS LATER IN 8TH GRADE I LUCKILY GREW
A FEW INCHES BUT I ALSO GAINED A FEW POUNDS (5'5 142). I WAS ABSOLUTLY
DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF WHEN I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR IT HORRIFIED ME I
WASN'T WHO I THOUGHT I WAS, I WAS.....FAT. I KNEW I WAS SKINNY ON THE
INSIDE, AND I WAS DETERMINED TO FIND MY TRUE SELF. SO I WENT ON A QUEST.
I SEARCHED EVERY WHERE ON THE WEB FOR PRO-ED SITES AND I READ EVERY
CHANCE I COULD. I WAITED UNTIL SPRING OF 2003 TO ACTUALLY START MY QUEST
TO FIND MYSELF, ON THE ACOUNT OF I WASNT DOING ANY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY
TO BURN ANY WEIGHT. SO MY FINAL PLAN WAS WAIT UNTIL MY LACROSSE SEASON
STARTED THEN BINGE AND EXERCISE FOR 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT TO BOOST MY MEABOLISM,
THEN DROP EATING ALL TOGETHER. ON MY FOURTH WEEK OF NOT EATING ANYTHING
AND DRINKING ONLY FRUIT20 I HAD LOST 37 POUNDS...I FROM THAT DAY ON
I WAS IN LOVE WITH ANA. TOWARDS THE END OF LACROSSE SEASON MY COACH
STARTED ASKING ALOT OF QUESTIONS AND DEMANDED TO HAVE ME WEIGHED. SHE
CLAIMED IF I WAS LOSING WEIGHT THROUGH EXERCISE AND EATING CORRECTLY
I WOULDNT WEIGH TO MUCH LESS FOR I WOULD OF BEEN BUILDING LEAN MUSCLE
MASS. I REMEMBERED THE LOOK IN HER EYES, I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO TELL
MY PARENTS. MY FATHER WAS FURIOUS AT FIRST I DENIED ANA AND TOLD HIM
I WAS JUST EXERCISING AND PRACTICING SO MUCH THAT I HAVENT BEEN EATING
QUITE AS MUCH. I WAS SO RELEIVED I THOUGHT I HAD WON HIM OVER. ON OUR
WAY HOME WE DROVE INTO A MCDONALDS PARKING LOT, I FIGURED MY DAD WAS
GOING TO GO THROUGHT THE DRIVE THROUGH TO GET HIMSELF SOMTHING TO EAT,BUT
HE DIDNT. MY DAD STEPED OUT OF THE CAR AND TOLD ME TO COME WITH HIM.
HE SEEMED SOMEWHAT NERVOUS. HE ORDERED 2 HAMBURGERS AND 2 ORDERS OF
FRIES, I WANTED TO RUN AWAY. I NKEW HE WAS GOING TO MAKE ME EAT THAT
NASTY FOOD THAT HAD DEFORMED ME BEFORE, I COULDNT LET HIM. WE SAT DOWN
AT A TABLE NEAR THE BATHROOMS AND I REMEMBER SO CLEARLY WHEN HE SAID
"NICOLE, DONT MAKE A SCENE EAT YOUR FOOD AND WE CAN GO HOME AND THE
TOPIC WILL NEVER BE BROUGHT UP AGAIN. I BEGAN TO CRY BUT I QUICKLY WIPED
MY TEARS AWAY AND UNWRAPPED MY HAMBURGER. IT WAS QUITE THE STRUGGLE
BUT I MANAGED TO EAT MY ENTIRE BURGER AND SOME FRENCH FRIES. THAT DAY
I WENT HOME AND PURGED ALL THE BAD AWAY IT WAS SUCK A RELIEF....I HAD
MET MY NEW BEST FRIEND MIA. MIA WAS GREAT TO ME NO MORE SUSPICIOUS FRIENDS
AT LUNCHNO MORE SUSPICIOUS FAMILY AT DINNER....SHE WAS AND STILL IS
MY BEST FRIEND. I AM NOW IN 9TH GRADE 5'6 91 LBS. AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE BEAUTIFUL. ALWAYS AND FOREVER PRO ANA/MIA. Sweetpoison1127@
hotmail.com
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Dana's Story
I couldn't really tell you how any of this started or why, but I could
tell you that as much as I hate it at times, I wouldn't change who I
am for anything. I grew up a healthy child with a decent family life;
my dad was an alcoholic but I didn't know it until later - the only
bad trait I saw in my dad is that he always wanted my mom to be skinny.
"Why aren't you eating a bigger piece of cake?" I'd ask my mom. "You're
already in really good shape." She'd shake her head and claim she wasn't
hungry, even though I could see the desire in her eyes. At 4'11" and
95-100 pounds, my mom was in incredibly good shape. She ate 1200 calories
and ran 5 miles a day, no matter how bad the weather was. Yet my dad
always emphasized that she had to do it, that she couldn't gain weight.
Was I jealous of her? Not at age seven. Did I pick up the mindset my
dad was instilling in her? Of course. When I turned ten, I became fascinated
with food. How many calories, how much fat. I was a little short, but
of average weight for my height, and had actually started to develop
a womanly figure - what did I have to worry about at ten? Looking back,
it makes no sense, but at ten I began cutting unhealthy foods out of
my diet. No more ice cream, no more steak - replace those with salads
and chicken. I turned thirteen near the end of my eighth grade year,
and at five foot even, I finally weighed 100 pounds. Though I hated
that number, I saw that the boys were starting to notice the girls with
the bodies, and that included me. All my work, I realized, was finally
starting to pay off. I joined swimming and dropped back below 100 pounds
& I was happy again. During my freshman year I got mono. Because of
that, and my pack-a-day habit, my weight dropped to 87 pounds. I remember
walking down the halls in my low-rise jeans and tight t-shirts smiling
as I sucked in my nearly non-existent tummy and strutted my stuff. After
I started to recover from mono, weighing myself became a daily thing.
I remember seeing the number 94 and being absolutely disgusted with
myself. I looked in the mirror and started crying, vowing I'd never
get over 100 pounds again. To punctuate my promise, I unsuccessfully
tried to make myself throw up the first food I had eaten in two days.
I mark that moment as the real beginning of my eating disorder. From
then on, I was simply fascinated with weight and the human body. We
learned about BMI in health class - mine was 18.9, one of the lowest
in the class. We recorded everything we ate for three days - I barely
ate, but I lied and claimed a diet of 3000 calories, laughing that I
could eat as much as I wanted and never gain weight. I never got too
obsessed with dieting, and never considered myself anorexic, but when
I got over 100 pounds again - to 115 actually - I realized I needed
to do something immediately. I joined my school's dance team and dieted
the entire summer - heathily, mind you. Once a week I would have a day
where I could eat whatever I wanted, within reason. The other days I'd
eat 800-1200 calories and make sure to work out. At the end of the summer,
I had lost 8 pounds, but felt like that wasn't enough. There was no
way I could wait an entire year to lose all the weight I wanted to.
Something had to change. But school started and I lost all motivation.
I started drinking every weekend and eating all the time 'cause I was
depressed. By Christmas vacation, I had gained 14 pounds and I was completely
disgusted with myself. I was 5'1" and weighed 121 pounds, which is at
the high end of a healthy weight for my height. Once again, I tried
making myself throw up - and it worked. Bulimia became my new method
of weight control. I cut the alcohol out of my diet and threw everything
unhealthy up. Within a month, I had lost six pounds, and planned on
losing twenty more. I discovered pro-ana/mia websites and started visiting
them regularly. There, I found an amazing amount of advice and support.
I realized I wasn't alone; more importantly (at the time), I realized
it was actually possible to attain my goals. I willingly embraced the
anorexic mindset that I had lived with for most of my life and lost
another ten pounds by the end of spring. At 105, however, I was stuck.
For most of the summer, my weight wavered between 105 and 115, but nothing
would help me get lower. I was miserable and sick of giving so much
to something that never gave me anything. Toward the end of the summer,
I decided I needed to accept myself, and recover from my disordered
eating. The most difficult part was recovering from purging. It was
a three-times-a-day thing by August of 2003, when I decided to recover.
Slowly, I let it go - with a promise to myself that I would eat no more
than 2000 calories a day, which meant I wouldn't really gain weight,
therefore I wouldn't want to purge. The occasional b/p occurred during
the next few months, but for the most part, I did all right. I maintained
my weight at 110-115 and felt a lot happier that I didn't devote my
life to food. I still counted calories and weighed myself at least weekly,
but I was free of the obsession that had held me for a long time. However,
nothing good stays forever. November 2003, I started losing weight for
some unknown reason. Maybe it was because I got off birth control, maybe
it was because I started smoking again (a pack a week, at most), maybe
it was because I was more active. Whatever the reason, I got back down
to 108-110, and the anorexic mindset kicked in again. "Look at how easy
it is," it told me. "Your body's even helping you! Cooperate and you
could be down to 100 pounds by Christmas." So here I am again. Trying
desperately not to let an eating disorder take complete control of me;
trying just as hard to lose weight quickly. My goal is still a seemingly
unattainable 87, although I think at 95 I might start to be happy with
myself. All I know is that it seems like nothing will ever change. I
don't want to die from complications of anorexia or bulimia, but I never,
ever want to get over 120 pounds again, and I never want to feel like
I don't have control over my weight. This is my compromise, I suppose,
and like I said, even if I had the opportunity to change, I don't think
I actually would. The most important thing is to keep living - but to
keep living happily. Take care of yourself, and love yourself for who
you are as well as who you could be. sassystarlette05@aol.com
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Tina's Story
I'm 19, ive been ana since I was about 14 or so, but it started out
as "just dieting" so it wasnt until I was about 16 it started to get
"serious". I think I weigh about 132, but dont quote me! my goal is
to be about 105, if im happy, if not then i'll go lower... im 5'7. I
get called "skinny" or "thin" a bit, and people "like" my body. My best
friends think its really nice, so does my boyfriend, but as usual i
think otherwise :-/ I wish it was thinner, toned more and just plain
nicer!! My best friend and my boyf both know ive had a history with
ed's, however my best friend now thinks im over it, i think! I still
go on about it to my boyf though coz he doesnt seem to mind as much
about it. At this point I should say that he is really really really
really thin! he's like 6 foot something and about my weight (132) or
just a bit over that! but hes good for thinspiration!! wow, ive been
talking for ages, i should go! Thanks for reading, if you did!!
tina_g82@hotmail.com
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Nancy's Story
Hi my name Nancy. I have been a struggling with all sorts of eating
disorders in my past. The one that stuck with me was bulimia. I am a
self injurer and have been for 3 years. One day i wish to be able to
not hide myself and look good. I have many friends who are Ana and SIers.
It's great though to cause we can all share stories and help each other
loose weight. I would like any diets or ways to puke easier. Those would
be helpful. koreangirl06@hotmail.com
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Aissa's Story
I am female, 19 years old, 5 foot 1 inches tall. The first signs I had
of an ED was about 6 years ago, I was always bullied at school, both
physically and mentally, but the one thing that stuck with me the most
was being teased about my weight. When puberty struck at 13 I put on
a lot of weight and got to be the highest weight I have ever been (about
112 lb). I was starting a new school in a couple of days and figured
the bullying would be much worse there (it was about the same), so I
got scared and started to throw up after I ate in a desperate bid to
loose weight. After a year or so I changed from MIA to ANA for many
various reasons, the lowest weight I have ever been was bout 6 months
ago, I got to 82 lbs, but lost control and started eating again, my
weight usually hovers around 90-96 lbs, my ideal weight would be about
68/69 lbs. I am sometimes asked "would I be pleased if I woke up one
day and my ED was gone, just like that" and my honest answer is, I don't
know. uselessgeneration@msn.com
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Niki's Story
My ed started more than 4 years ago. I was 14 and pretty thin already
(at 5'9 i was between 125 and 135), but like most adolescent girls,
i wanted to be thinner. I started out by skipping lunch. Then I made
myself throw up for the first time. It was difficult, took me about
25 minutes to get anything up. I think i used the handle of a butter
knife. For the next 2 years or so I didn't purge a lot. Maybe a few
times a month. Once a day, at the most. I gained weight and grew 3 inches.
When i left for my freshman year of college, i was 6' and 160 lbs. A
person gains, on average, 15 lbs. their freshman year. i, however, gained
35. at 195 i hated myself. I literally woke up one morning and decided
that i would have an eating disorder. i started binging/purging a few
times a day. i got so used to it that i don't have to force it anymore.
anything i eat comes up naturally. But, i didn't lose weight from it.
It was more for maintenance. Now, however, i prefer ana. it's so much
easier/effective to just not eat. i can lose 4 lbs. in a day sometimes.
i love the feeling that i'm getting skinnier. it's almost a high for
me. i'm at 170 now and still dropping (25 lbs. down!). Eventually i
want to get to 136... my ideal weight. (the lowest ideal weight for
my height). anorexia has introduced me to so many new people that are
now my friends. i've also gotten closer with old friends in the process.
it's great to be able to bond over ana! pluererpourmoi@aol.com
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Anja's Story
My name is Ann? (anja) , I am 14 verrry soon 15. I live in Sweden but
from the beginning from Russia. I have lived here allmost for 4 years.
And i like this place, its cold, dark and lots of water! Looks allmost
like England! Ohh... England is such a beutifull place! But my aunt
says that I am wrong... i never been there but it fells that Sweden
does look like England! Some day I?ll go there and see for my self.
I am a positiv girl that likes diferent things but youll never know
who i am even I dont know that!Its hard to move from one contry to another
so ... you kan become strange or just crazy. It?s allways hard to come
to a new school, new friends new languege... everythingis diferent and
you are strenger for all people! And thing gets just better whwn you
say that yoy come from Russia. The contry of drunks, spies, thieves,
homeless children, hores, mafia. all aroun are afraid of you but they
are most and you are only one . They mobbe you in all diferent ways
and thing. Then comes that you are not the most thin and beutifull girl.
they call you ugly, but you still trying to look like if you dont care.
But the end comes when you start to become a teenager. Nobody in your
famelie understands you. Then you cut your wrists , they are angry,
you feel just more and more lonely... Then.... you fall in love with
a boy that dont care at all. But next year of school, he becomes boyfrien
to one of your , so some, friends. Its a some words about me, but I
am still positiv and glad,sometimes, and I am still alive,I just dont
eate . mamsik07@yahoo.com
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Staci's Story
I am 20 years old and have been suffering from ED ever since I could
remember, however, it didn't really hit me completely until I reached
5th Grade. As I was a child coming into my adolescents, I began to realize
how much bigger I was from my fellow peers (puberty for me>age 8) &
family(my cousins would always laugh at me and the amount of food I
would have on my plate>>after that I would put half of it back and ate
only half of what was on my plate) and by the time I turned 12, I decided
to really do something about it(before this @ ages 6-11 I just restricted
what I consumed..usually taking an average of two bites before throwing
my food away when my mother wasn't looking)...so I became a full blown
anorexic and before I knew it I went from 150lbs. to 95lbs. @ the hieght->5'1".
My mother always used to complain on how much food I ate (still does
sometimes) and when I didn't eat she tried stuffing my face...this was
all too confusing so I just began doing what I felt was right(starving
myself--> but I learned later in life that no matter what I do, it is
& never will be enough). I changed my looks entirely and whispering
amongst the girls at school began, but soon after I joined those girls
in their lives of popularity and felt the touch of acceptance & admiration.
Junior High came along and still I was exercising, measuring, starving(then
sometimes going on little binges), and every now & then I was purging...Highschool
then followed, and I seemed to be starving more then ever (never realizing
those around me felt I looked sick)occasionally I would my heartbeat
seemed to get a tad bit irregular and i would have to run to the Home
Economics room and sneak some food,(there were also times that I was
so obsessed with exercising, I wouldn't go to bed 'till I had all 5
hours of it-->sometimes never even going to sleep) but by the time graduation
came along I was back to my old chubby self. Now I am back to the same
old web of anorexia and can't ever seem to escape...sometimes though
I think I like it and am happy to be able to look at websites I can
relate to, such as this one, to keep my mind thinking clearly and my
body in shape...thanks for all the support! :) (Anyone who would like
to chat feel free to email me! :P) mmonroe6236@yahoo.com
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Crystle's Story
Well my journey with ana began in 8th grade when i was so into cheerleading.
At first i did not see myself as Ana until i saw the pride and joy it
brings. From then on i was determined to be the perfect ana. I had to
begin eating because my body shut down quickly and i had to go to the
hospital. Luckily i got dumb docs. I began mia in my 10th grade year
of hs. It has been hell. I don't like it as much as i loved Ana but
you have to do what you have to do. I now bounce inbetween ana and mia,
and do what i can to survive. I have all these medical problems, but
what's a girl to do. I find it funny that the public tries to give a
face to eating disorders when you really can't judge a book by it's
cover. I figure that i will probably have an eating disorder for the
rest of my life so i might as well get used to it. It's not as bad as
my family makes it out to be. Its better than being fat and miserable.
I like the way i am for now, and i am glad that atleast all the prosites
aren't gone! tinkerbellcheerleader
@yahoo.co
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Kristen's Story
I was thinking about this the other day, and honestly, sometimes I'm not sure how the hell I ended up with an eating disorder. I was an all state track and cross country athlete in high school, and I could eat anything I wanted and stay thin. However, when I was 16, something wasn't right. I decided I needed to be skinnier in my dress for my sister's wedding. So I restricted. I didn't think anything big of it...however, I was already pretty obsessed with eating disorders. I don't know why. Well, I did that off and on, and after my senior year of high school, I got kind of stupid and started bingeing a ton. I gained a little weight, and then my freshman year of college packed on another 45lbs. (This was after being redshirted from the cross country team b/c of an injury). I started purging a little bit at that time. It wasn't anything serious. I also was getting pretty hooked on diet pills. And the impulsiveness really started to come out...like popping, oh 8, 9, 10 pills at a time. I came back and started getting help and started running again. Finished up my 4 years of school at McMurry University and did really well. Even "graduated" from counseling. However, it seems now that my issues are back with a vengeance...they weren't ever really gone, I just hid them better than others. This last year I have reached a point where I can probably be medically diagnosed as bulimia nervosa...but I won't find that out for another 2 weeks. (I'm going in for an "official" evaluation). I have a great job, and I want to be "normal" but I want to be skinny worse. I've come to the conclusion that eating disorders never really go away. Some people are just able to ignore the voices better than others...I wish I could. kleigh426@yahoo.com
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Kay's Story
I am a college student . I am into mia and ana . I hate fat . I am a
business major who hopes to go into corporate law eventually. Right
now I am being forced into treatment or 'rents will not pay for college
, etc... I am playing their game . I am pretending to get well when
I am not realyy doing it ... mia comes in handy with this.
Lawgurl10@aol.com
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Michelle's Story
This is my story, Im not quite sure where I stand. By what the doctors
say, I need to lose about 35 lbs. However, I feel like i should lose
about 75 lbs. I have lost 85 lbs over the last 5 yrs and It has brought
me to where I am now. Needing to lose 35 ( says the doc ) 75 says me.
I assume i am not anarexic, becuase I am over weight, I am not bulimic,
because I do not throw up. However I feel I am on the verge. I get very
angry when I eat, feel very sick, its as if I would only make my self
vomit once, i would be on my way. I think about food constantly. Wonder
when my BF will leave the house so I can pig out, then feel like crap
for two hours afterwards. If I could just bring myself to get rid of
it I would feel better. I go days with out eating, because I feel guilty.
then pig out again. So if you can figure out where I stand, or what
I should do, please help me understand it. shell030975@aol.com
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