Hello. My name's Nicole, I'm 17, and I'm
anorexic.
When I think about who I am, those are the three things that automatically come to mind: name, age, disorder. They are who I am, as pathetic as that may sound. I have to think a lot harder to come up with any other ways of describing myself. My name is a given-- I've always been Nicole. My age is a definite-- I was born 17 years ago. My eating disorder-- well, it practically is my life. The other stuff is just details.
I don't even remember ever "deciding" to have an eating disorder. I didn't wake up one morning and say "Hey! I know what I want to do with my life! I want an eating disorder!" It just wasn't like that. My eating has always been a little "disordered". As far back as I can remember I would wait to be given food and then frantically look around for examples of when and how to eat it. I sucked in my stomach while being fitted for my tutu at 6 years old because I wanted to be the smallest. I spent my entire childhood plagued by the monster known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I used to make my life safe and predictable. "If I am clean, Daddy won't come home angry today. If I press the tiles enough times, I won't get any pains in my private part."
By puberty at age 10, I felt my life spiral out of control. I hated my new body and tried to conceal it with baggy clothes and bathing suits to flatten me. I felt dirty. I had already been through some disturbing sexual situations in my life that I tried to repress. I was scared. I was growing up and I wasn't ready. I had spent my whole life asking God to give me someone special who would make me feel loved, like the children on TV. That someone hadn't come yet.
On an eighth grade trip, I pretended to feel ill just so I wouldn't have to eat as much. Maybe this came from anxiety, maybe it came from a desire for attention, or maybe I didn't want to be "weak" like everyone else. Heck, maybe it was all three. Whatever it was, I was twelve and there was no way that I could have said "Nicole, you'd better watch it because you could be digging yourself into a deep hole."
These reasons followed me into high school, along with the behaviours. Those sneaky behaviours that just sort of tiptoe their way into your head without being noticed. I threw out half of my sandwich. Then the whole thing. Soon I was eating nothing but juice at lunch, until even that became to much. After all, if I could lose half a pound by just having juice for lunch, then maybe I could lose a whole one by not having anything! And while this was going on, I subconsciously hoped that someone would notice and become concerned...and maybe even care. After all, I was running out of time to find that person to make me feel loved.
Then the lightning made a spark. At a music camp one year, the instructor took me aside and showed deep concern for my eating habits. She cared. She saw her own anorexia in me and let me know where I was headed. The anorexia got her attention- maybe it would keep her attention. I got sicker and sicker, and the instructor went on with her own life. My weight plummeted to 83 lbs at 5'4". At that point my scale was taken away, which resulted in me gaining some weight back. But my issues remained.
So that's basically it-- that's how I got to the point where I am today. Anorexia evolved out of an already existing OCD in my life. Depression and anxiety came along for the ride.
elocinwarrior@hotmail.com  

Alexandra's Story

I remember first feeling incredibly self-conscious about my body when I was about 5-years-old. I was at swimming lessons and I remember sucking in my stomach to make my chest look big and my waist look tiny. All it did was make my ribcage stick out, but I didn't realize that at the time. From then on it was my mission to be thin, or die trying. Except I didn't really try. Every year (or every six months, two weeks, whatever) I made myself a little plan. It consisted of a really ambitious exercise program and an extremely limited diet. Of course, because I didn't know what I was doing and I wasn't really all that focused, I never actually succeeded with my plan. Looking back now, I don't really know why I thought I needed these plans to stay thin. I WAS thin. I look at photographs of me as a child and think, "Holy crap. I was skeletal." I wish I was still that way now. Maybe I was unhappy with my body because I was sexually abused as a child, or because my mother was constantly worrying about her own obesity. I don't think it matters HOW I developed an eating disorder, I just did. My family moved around a lot, and two summers ago we made what I hope will be our final move. I started high school that September. I don't know what happened but I ballooned. I went from weighing 135lbs and being sort of self-conscious - but in a normal, teenage-girl way - to 155lbs and being totally depressed in less than a month. I probably never would've even realized what I did to myself if my mother hadn't stopped calling my "Skinny Minnie" and started chastising me about eating. The fact that all of my new friends were size 0's really helped, too. I was a wreck. So, the summer after grade 9, I worked my ass off to lose the weight. I went on the Special K diet and I swam a kilometre every day. I walked or biked everywhere and I played a round of golf almost daily. I also visited pro-ana sites religiously. It all really paid off. I lost 30lbs. I didn't see the changes myself, but everyone else did. And they got concerned. I thrived on the attention I got after school started up again, and I was thrilled when one of my friend's mothers called my parents and told them they all thought I had an ED. That was 7 months ago. My friendship with those people has deteriorated, and people still think I'm ana. But I really don't care. I am. I'm also bulimic and an over-eater. In fact, I just binged. And I tried to purge, and I couldn't. It's the most depressing moment, that moment when you give up and realize you've gone and screwed up again. For now I'm holding steady at between 120lbs and 125lbs. I hate it though. I'm so incredibly fat it drives me mad. I haven't exercised in forever, and I binge every weekend and then starve myself during the week when I have school and clubs and such to distract me. I have no willpower. I can't wait until the summer when my pool opens up again and I can swim off the last 25lbs. Yes, my goal weight is 100lbs or less. That would be brilliant. A flat stomach, no cellulite, a tight ass, sleek calves and thighs...Kate Moss is my inspiration for all this. Right now, though, it's a struggle. A constant struggle. I fight everything and everyone. The friends who suspect my ED, or know about it, are always in my face about it and it kills me to lie to them. And my family. I hate barfing up the dinners they work hard to prepare, and throwing out the lunches they insist on making for me. And I worry that soon they'll find me dead in the toilet after purging. But I know that I can't let myself go again. This is an obsession. That's the other thing I fight, my urge to just give in and get fat -- er, healthy -- again. I also fight myself, losing almost constantly, to keep from binging. Every weekend I gorge myself on all the sweets my parents insist on stocking up on, as if they know I can't resist and it's their way of keeping me from disappearing... I just want to be thin and beautiful and perfect. I now have perfect teeth (thank you, orthodontics) but I have terrible skin and I'm fat. I'm working on both of these though. I just want to be completely perfect; Physically, mentally, spiritually, personality... God didn't make me perfect. I have to make me perfect. ally_macgregor@hotmail.com

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Kat's Story

I guess it all started when i was a kid. I was always small and scrawny and i liked being that way. I really only ever ate at night, and got sick if i tried eating in the mornings. but that's not really my story. As a child i was sexually/verbally abused, I became withdrawn and started self-loathing. I hated myself for not being able to stand-up for myself. I felt like nothing would ever go right for me again. that's when i became a christian big time, i was 6 and MADE my mother drag me to church. I became oh so holy and righteous, or so i thought. then I started not being able to sleep at night, and i couldn't remember why but i remember always crying because i thought "they" were out to get me and drag me down to hell for not praying my hardest. so i stopped being christian. it all went away. later on in my life i found out that i was schizophrenic and also had issues with social anxiety (as do most schizophrenic people). I weighed 99 lbs when i was diagnosed, now i weigh 110 that's been 3 years. recently i started restricting and for a little bit fasting, and now I don't know what to think. I think i look ugly and i want to get back to 99, no more pot-belly, no more flab around my waist. but i doubt it will happen. woodoo_kitty@yahoo.com

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Patty's Story

 

I am 23 years old and I have an eating disorder. I have been having food/body issues since I was 13. I can't really classify myself as one disorder. I seem to do them all. EDNOS is about the best diagnosis. I am 5'7.4 and currently weigh 120lbs. My HW was 223lbs on 04/17/02. My LW was 108lbs on 08/05/03. I managed to hold that for 2 months, but I gained AGAIN. Not a big surprise. I have always been chubby...or actually since I hit puberty. Always about 10lbs to heavy. I started a new school when I turned 13, I remember that was the first time I puked. I was never a daily thing...once a week or so. Then when I started High School I started starving...I lost a decent amount of weight. Then I started fasting and purging off and on...stayed about the same for 2 years. Then I slipped into Compulsive Eating. Secret binging...that went on for the next 4 years, with the occasional months of straight purging. Then low and behold...I weighed in one day at 223lbs...223lbs!!!! Good Grief!!! What had I done to myself. Something just clicked and I fasted and resricted until I reached my LW of 108. I'm rather proud of myself, but its still not low enough...105 is perfect. I only have 15lbs to go. I just have to banish the urge to binge so I dont GAIN again Well thats my story and I doubt I make much sense. I am not sure why I am this way or how I can stop. I don't think I want to stop. How can someone stop the thoughts? SSLizzabeth@hotmail.com

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Debbie's Story

My story with ana is quite a long one. Im only 19 years old but have been dealing with ana since I was 6. I was a baby! But I had a friend, who was perfect! She was so skinny and pretty and she did gymnastics and got amazing grades, even though it was only grade one, I still felt horrible. So I would start to cut out junk food and only eat good foods because of course I didnt know about calories then. I continued that until I was about 8, when my family situation went nuts. My dad lost his job and became very verbally abusive, always yelling, never calming down. I started to binge and for about a year ate a LOT! Then when I was 10, I learned about purging and took that up, eventually I came back to ana at age 12, when I was in grade six and got teased a bit about my weight by a little bitch named anne marie, lol. I got down to 70 lbs and stayed there until I was 14 and turned mia again, my dad moved out and everybody was sitting on pins! Then I met a wonderful guy, well I thoiught he was wonderful. I had just turned 17 and weighed 100 lbs (Im 5'2 by the way) He made me feel beautiful and great and I gained 10 lbs. Then 3 months later I got pregnant with his baby. I gained 60 lbs in my pregnancy. I stayed with the father. After my son was born he was in the intensive care and I was stressed. My dad died a week after my son came into the world, 2 months later I broke up with the father because I hardly saw him and suspected he was chaeating on me. So here I am now, too embarrassed to even say my weight, starting over with ana, and mias comin too! Im in court right now getting custody of my son , his dad doesnt want him anymore, my friends are all not talking to me, not inviting me out anymore, and Im just yah, pathetic, lol. debbiec845@hotmail.com

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Di Ana D. Lynch's Story

Hi, My name is Di Ana and I'm 37 and have been dealing with eating disorders for about 20yrs. believe it or not I got caught for the first time in December. The hospital had me locked up in a psychiatric hosp for 8 days, like that was gonna help! :) I was anorexic first. it was easy not to eat once the pains went away. when I was 20 I was 8'8 and 90 lbs . I loved it. But the minute people were getting suspicious I'd put the wieght on again to keep them away. Then I found my true passion. Purging. Unfortunately I suffered all my life with severe heart burn and after 7 yrs of purging I caused serious damage to my stomach and esophogus. So they did some surgery and tightened the valve in my stomach and now can no longer purge. :( so back to my old ways , no eating or when I do I'll use diet pills and exlax. I love being thin. I love the clothes I can wear and the feel of my bones. AND I love your site and I'm so glad I found it!! I don't feel so alone. I hope it never gets shut down like the others. Thank you Di Ana didi3255@comcast.net

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EmmpressA's Story

I've always been fat, and have always been painfully aware of this fact. In year 10 I just started to eat less, without realising it, and after some time people began commenting on my weightloss. When I realised that I was getting thinner I started to enjoy it and wanted to loose more. during that year I became depressed and broke off contact with my frineds and just generally withdrew. I went from eating hardly anything to eating everything, and was back to fat the next year. The next time i lost weight was in year 12, but i quickly gained it agin for end of year exams. Last year was my first year uni, and i was depressed all year, not eating all day, then coming home and eating heaps of foods then taking laxatives so that i could start my unsuccessful dieting again 'fresh' the next day (i know that laxatives do nothing to help you loose weight, but i cannot stand the feel of food making its way through my body). I was fat the entire year. In january i went about 3 weeks without eating and lost almost 9kilos, but at the same time i wasnt going out with my frineds and having fun so i eventually got depressed and broke my fast. and ate and ate and ate. so here i am, at the start again.
ebr999@msn.com

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Lester's Story

I'm 40 and found that after several years fighting with the wieght and some personal issues, throwing up and fasting was good for me. Diet pills helped along with a lot of walking. My highest wieght was 175 and the lowest is 150. I will get to my goal of 130 or less. Being a little over 5'7" , I need to loss the pounds to get my wife to notice me. I've been anorexic for the past 10 years and she hardly ever notices me anymore. lesterwilder@yahoo.com

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Tonya's Story

My story is probably like most others. My parents went thru a really really ugly divorce when I was 14. My mom accused me of having sex with my dad for whatever reason and then after the divorce she told me it was my fault. Later she went on depression medication and tried to get her life back together. In the meantime I had to live with my dad and step-bitch. My step-mom hated my guts and tried everything to get me to move out. Three years later when I was 17 my mom got her act together, remarried and asked me to come and live with her. I had to leave my home state and start a new school and live with yet another new step-parent. that was when my anorexia started. At the time I didn't know that I was anorexic. I only knew that restricting my calories and losing weight meant more to me than anything else in my life. I was overweight when I started 165lbs at 5'6. in a couple of months I was down to 120. Never before in my life had I felt so much power, so much worth. It changed my life for the good. I got pregnant 2 yrs after I married my husband and stopped restricting. After my son was born it was like I couldn't get ana back in my life again. But thinks have recently changed since I have found support on the web. I am so greatful for sites like these and people to talk to for encouragement and support.
anaisqueen@aol.com

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