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Diego's Story

Hi, my name is Diego Ismael Orta. I'm 20 years old and I became anorexic a couple of weeks ago. I'm going through alot right now. With hunger pains, sadness, and depression. I am 171 lbs and my goal is 135 lbs. I want a perfect body, besides, it's what is being shown on tv, magazines, etc. Aside from this I questin my sexuality, I don't know if I'm gay or not. A guy took me out to lunch and kissed me. I kinda liked it. I get comploments from guys alot, and yet I am determined to be anorexic, I'm loyal to it. Besides I've already lost 20 lbs since i started. From 195 to 171 lbs. Well, everyday I go through the pain and suffering. All I do to get me through it is a famous quote I tell myself everyday. " IF YOU WANT BIG REWARDS, YOU GOTTA TAKE BIG RISKS ". I allways welcome the pain because the pain from my stomach makes things better. Most of the time I listen to music or go to sleep to get through the pain. Sometimes I dont even like WATER bacause I don't want to retain water in my body. Well thats my story..... Thanks... Diegonovember18@aol.com
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Ashley's Story

Since I was about 7, my parents have been always picking on me becasue I was bigger. My parents split up and I thought it was because of me. Because I wasnt he skinny little girl that everyone else had. I was the fat, overweight child. When I moved in with my dad and his new wife, I was in a hole new ballpark. Everyone here is based upon by their looks. If your not skinny, your not cool. My brothers and sister would try to help me telling me Im not fat. But after being told over and over that you are, it sticks to you. In 7th grade, my friend and I were in the bathroom and w had just eaten lunch. Well, I had just eaten luch. She shoved me the bathroom along with herself and told me to throw up. I didnt know what was going. She told me how to to do it and everytime I ate something, so go and throw it up. Then I stopped eating all together. The smell of food was nausating. The grease and fat dripping off made me sick. I would startto throw up water, juice. Any an! d everything that entered my body. I went into shock. I OD, and had my stomach pumped. The injected a feeding tube that I had no control over. My dad and stepmom were so worried, but when I got back home, they didnt care. I started eating again and eventually gained everything back. Everything that took me years to lose was gained back in months. I tried to get help. I asked and asked to see a nutrionist about my weight. But to them, I wasnt fat. The mirror said otherwise. And so did everyone at school. My self esteem has dropped. I just want to be skinny. Is that too much to ask for? pebbles1313132001
@juno.com
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Jennifer's Story

i was always skinny when i was young. a journal from 5th grade reads, "i weighed myself today and im 103 lbs. i want to be under 100 lbs...from now on im going to record my weight and im going to go on a diet so i can be under 100 lbs again." now im a few inches taller, but also 25 lbs heavier. my fascination with anorexia started in 5th grade when i would put bowls in the sink each morning with a bit of milk and shards of cereal in it--fooling my mother into thinking that i had had breakfast. three years later i was 5'3 and a steady 117 lbs. i was still obsessed with my weight and excercise, and i tried to hide it as best as i could. the next year, though, i gained a lot of weight. at one time, i was almost fifteen pounds heavier than i had been the year before. a new problem had surfaced for me. now i not only would go days without eating at all, but i would chase those days with binges. i remember i lost five pounds very abruptly in the first couple of weeks of school, going down to 128 lbs, then began binges on sweets and bread and other junk. by the end of winter i had gained almost ten pounds. i still go between not eating, binging and purging. im 5'3 1/2" and i weigh about 128 lbs. i go up and down all the time, and right now im mostly struggling with ana and coed. i hate having eating issues, and there are incredibly few people who i talk to about it, because most of my friends are quick to judge and jump to conclusions whenever i talk about weight. right now im trying to find healthy routes to get back down to the 110-115 lbs area. ive been trying to learn more about eating disorders while doing this so that i can recognize what triggers it. Shdow59@aol.com
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Alicia's Story

well, okay where to begin.I am 18 yrs old (senior woo) I livee in florida near tampa,my mother is white my father is black, he died when i was 12, but i didnt really know him anyway so i dont care.My mom is an alcoholic but she tries to do good, i just make things difficult for her. I think i have had "disordered" eating habits most of my life. Only when i was younger, food was my comfort, always there for me when no one was. My hw was 220 and at that point you could say i was COE. my sophmore year in highschool, things changed, im not even sure exactly what happened, but i was tired of being fat, food was losing its appeal. I dabbled with bulimia, but the shame of that act quickly got me to stop. I went back to stuffing myself with out caring, then in my junior year I started purging my food, only instead of being ashamed i felt so powerful. this quickly led to restricting my intake. Now i never go over 500 calories on a week day...weekends are different sense its more of a social time ad i cant avoid food around my mom. I am also a cutter. I am trying so hard to keep myself calm. when i get emotional, its hard for me not to grab for the razor. Adam, the guy i am hopelessly in love with keeps me going, I know he doesnt want me to struggle or worry about my weight, but i still feel that he cannot be happy with me this way, so no matter how he pleads with me, it just wont click ..that perhaps he can love me for me.*sigh* I am not ashamed of what I do, not anymore. I am ashamed of how i look, that i let myself get this way, but now i have things under complete control. hopefully i will reach my goal weight of 110 soon. qtrtill@yahoo.com
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Jen's Story

Sometimes it's hard to remember how everything started. I grew up with my mother who is only 19 years older then me and stuggles with eating issues too. I do remember however throwing up my lunch everyday in second grade for reasons unknown to me. I also remember standing in from of my afterschool program with my friends at about age seven while eating a cookie and hearing a voice in my head. "you know you cant keep eating like this or your going to get fat." This first moment of self denial has never to this day struck me as odd. Over my adolesence I began to grow heaveier and taller. I had a several year span in which i was overweight but then a growth spurt hit. I formed an intense self hatred for my body and for food. My first long term decline in calories was in seventh grade when i stopped eating lunch for a whole year and lost 15 or so pounds. Since then I have had a faciniation with deiting with how little my body can run on and just how much weight i can lose. My friends complain that i scare them with my habits but i am by no means underweight. My parents have taken the scale out of our house and i have to rely on the ones at frineds houses. Its strange even with all they know my parents stil think this is just a phase and that i will get better on my own. I can tell you i dont like the sound of better and if its up to me smaller is the only thing that is going to change. I have a lot of scary moments now with that voice in my head. Too Much seems to be the common phrase it uses while i look up calories. Sometime lying in bed the thoguht of eating a full meal scares me into a panic attack. Other time my mind seems to go numb i go on insane binges and then purge as much as possiable. I even have tomes when i can eat normally without thinking much of it for a few days before i panic and go back to my habits. I've read just about every book on eating disorders and seem so many movies i can't count them all. the book WASTED has become my personal bible and i have pages highlighted and maked for reference. I suppose to me better will always mean thinner and happy will always mean empty. Bonucingsoul2002@aol.com
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asecretname's Story

Well, all my life ive always thought i was fat, always, even when i was still a toddler. its the only thing ive known all my life,even though i was "the skinny one" in the family. i never thought i was skinny. i hated wearing skintight clothes, i hated wearing my clothes period, cuz i thought they were ugly, but thats off topic. i only wore big clothes, and was always self conscious about myself. when i hit fourth grade, i was running to the jungly gym with my friend when she told me that my butt jiggled when i ran. from that point on i made sure that my butt was covered with a big sweater at all times. i think the whole eating disorder stuff happened in sixth grade. i was always obsessing with ways to lose weight, but never knew what to do, and i ended up just eating a lot. i ended up gaining like 30 pounds between sixth and seventh grade, and all people could talk about when i went back to school was how fat i had gotten. i just ended up eating more. im not sur! e why i ate all the time. i just did. but only at home. i guess it was boredom that made me eat. i just kept gaining more and more weight, at a rate of about 10-15 pounds a year. then, then, my dad got sick. he and my mom were in the hospital 24/7 for a couple weeks, and my sister was working or something, im not sure, she was never home. anyway, with no one to buy me food, i ended up running out, and instead of just scrounging around for anything i could find, i decided to try and not eat at all. so i went a whole day without eating. i loved it. the next day my sisters kids came over for me to babysit them, and they were complaining that there was no food, and i told them there was no food, and that the day before i didnt even eat anything. it felt good saying it. it made me feel in control that i could go a whole day without eating when all i did was stuff myself for years. so i kept doing it, and i was losing weight rapidly for about a month. then the most horrible thing ! happened. i ended up getting diagnosed with depression. it turns out i have had it since i was in sixth grade, which could explain why i started eating so much. i was put on medication, which made me feel sick all day, so i ended up eating hardly anything, and lost more weight. then i got put on another one. this drug made me so hungry all i did all day was eat eat eat. i couldnt control myself. i was hungry no matter how much i ate. i hated it. i ended up gaining and gaining and gaining and then finally i complained to my psychiatrist and she said we could switch to another drug. she ended up taking me off of it extremely slowly, but i had stopped taking it when i told her i didnt want to take it anymore cuz i was sick of gaining. so i went back to fasting, and started losing mad weight, then gaining a bit back, so i lost about 6 pounds a month. ive been off of it over a year, and ive lost about 40 pounds. im still not where i want to be, im stil huge. i wish i could get do! wn as far as i can but thats not possible, not without my family finding out. so my goal is between 95 and 113 pounds. once i get there, im not coming out. and maybe ill finally be happy with myself too. i hope. asecretname@hotmail.com Back To Top
Sara's Story

Well, I am in the 9th grade and do both anorexia and bulimia, which ever is better for the moment. I was raped in the 7th grade by my best friend (a guy) and then told I wasn't good enough to even be his friend. I desperately tried to be good enough to be around him (I had been in love with him for a while) but he continued to blow me off and go after skinnier girls. Everyone told me I had the perfect figure....hour glass....but I never believed them. I still don't. Now everyone is getting mad at me for my EDs but I need to be skinnier and this website is helping me with my arguement that skinny is good. howcouldyou07@yahoo.com
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Lia's Story

How many years has it been? Let's see I've been living with an ed for 8 years. Mostly ana but the mia creeped in there for a few years. There have been times during those years that I have maintained a healthier body weight, but it never left me with a healthier mind. I was just as obsessive and neurotic about calories and the idea that I might wake up and gain a pound. I still wake up throughout the night to pinch my "flab" and weight myself. Hmmm..I don't think I'll ever think any differently. It's just been too long. While a few of my firends have been hospitalized, I have been able to stay under the radar. It's not hard in the world of modelling. Even at 105 at 5' 10" I was never told to gain weight... I have always lived in worlds where thinner was praised. As a professional ballet dancer it was always a competition to see who could eat less, weight less and be more "dedicated." I don't think I'll ever choose a profession that doesn't strive for physical perfection. I'm too afraid that I will accept that a "normal" body weight at my height is 135-165 pounds. That's insane!!!! I look like a cow at 135 pounds! I think it's much healthier to be underweight than overweight. Why are fat people allowed to be fat but we are not allowed to be thin? Why is my family allowed to discuss that I am too thin and don't eat enough? Imagine if I told them that I think they eat too much and they're fat? I would never do that. I think we should stick together us ana's. This world is full of people that want to bring you down. I think being thin is beautiful. As long as you can be skinny and stay out of the hospital, I say go for it! It's a fine balance but it's better than being fat. Height 5'10" Age 24 CW 123 HW 135 LW 95 GW 105 tongabonga@hotmail.com
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Rachel's Story

My name is Rachel and I have had an ed for five years now. I fisrt just started to diet, I was not really overweight but just wanted to look thinner so I dieted in the normal way but then could not stop and became anorexic, I saw lots of proffesional people who tried to make me gain weight and yes that worked as I did gain weight but not through there advice. I started to binge eat and then learnt to throw it back up so I became bulimic, because I was gaining weight everyone around me thought that I was making good progress but little did they know as inside I was behaving like an unconrolable bulimic. I told them that I had started to binge eat but no one really cared I mean I was looking better and no longer looked Anorexic. All I want though was to be tinner and I hated myself for being bulimic. To this day I am still having big problems I am trying so hard to lose weight but I guess not harder enough. Doing my BMI today it tells me that I am at a desirable weight I am 5,3 and 107 pounds, my goal is to reach 90 pounds and then I will feel happy inside. At the moment I am moody with everyone and I hate feeling fat all day long I just want to be thin, thin, thin. I hope this site will support me and I really need to make new friends who understand what I am going through. Take care everyone. Love Rachel. RacMdy@aol.com
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Michelle's Story

I have been struggling with bulimia for four years now. But the struggle with food and fat and self hatred has been since I was about 10. My whole family is huge and I have always feared looking like them so I started to extreme diet my freshman year during the summer. It got intense I didn't really talk to anyone all I did was exersise and barely eat. I lost about 30 pounds and when I went back to school the reaction I got was... well I can't explain it but the compliments were the best high ever. But then the pressure of keeping by new slimer body caught up with me. So, when ever i sliped and ate something "bad" I would purge. Then the aweful cycle began I became even more obsessed with food than ever. It is all I think about it is my life. I love it and hate it. When ever food passes my lips the fear of loosing control overwhelms me and I usually do lose control until I explode at the mouth. It really is a disgusting and terrible cycle and I hate it b! ut it is something I will have to live with the rest of my life. My dream is to become anorexic, I hate bulimia. I wish I could just not eat or fast for days and never lose control. I want total control of my body. and I intend on geting it. nfgmw822@hotmail.com
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Victoria's Story

About a year or 2 ago, I went on a diet, just to lose a few lbs... It was going great, the lbs were just litterally shedding off me, I never was fat, just normal, everyone thought it looked good, but some were getting concerned... But that wasn't about to stop me, I didn't care, as long as I was loosing weight I was happy... But as I went on, I became more and more obsessed with fat, calories, carbs etc... By that point I lost lots of weight I was so close to reaching my goal(100-105lbs) but I started eating normal foods, convinced from everyone saying I wouldn't gain anything, but wow, I gained a ton!!!! It was horrible the worst thing that had ever happened, knowing the fact that I was soooo close... Till this day I haven't gotten rid of it, but I ,know I will very soon, since this just happened a few weeks ago... I hate the way I look right now, I feel disgusting... I'm so mad at myself, I can't even describe the feeling... I know I'll lose it fat though, because I don't eat and then workout a ton, so I know I can!!! I can't stand it when all my friends try to pressure me to eat, they just don't understand how I feel if I eat those types of foods, the guilt just doesn't seem to fade... They don't understand what it's like they never leave me alone they always tell me that I won't gain weight, but I already learned my lesson from that... I KNOW I WILL BE SKINNY AGAIN, SKINNIER THAN EVER! NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!! rb_6969@hotmail.com
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Lisa's Story

I've been ana for about 3 years on and off now - let me explain... After I had lost 20lb in a short amount of time my mom decided to investigate what was going on. She eventually found my stuff and forced me to stop. I've been trying to regain control of my ana - I want to be ana! I have gained 15 lb since I've stop. I'm 5 foot and weight 125lb - It's sick. I want ana back in my life. JoiseyGurl3@yahoo.com
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Ashley's Story

food is repulsive... i started noticing i was fat when i was about 13... i weighed 102lbs and i could just feel the fat on me! food became repulsive to me and ever since then ive despised it... i only eat once in awhile so my parents dont worry (im good at hiding things, im sucicidal too and my parents dont know that either!) i want to be back below the triple digit mark... im currently 5'4" and weigh 120 lbs... GROSS! im 16 now too likethestardust@yahoo.com
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Alexandria's Story

I always was the kid that sat by herself reading during lunch. I don't know why, I was pretty smart, and the kids just kinda rejected me. I searched for a reason, I didn't have the right clothes, didn't say the right things, didn't go the right places, but I finally believed that for people to like me I needed to be perfect. So then I stopped everything that made me different from everyone, I stopped turning in my work (which got me labled as a retard, even though I had an IQ of 178), I started wearing makeup, and I quit eating. I was ashamed for people to see my body, so I wore big sweatshirts and baggy jeans year-round. I realized what I was doing when I finally got really sick, and had heart trouble. I was then diagnosed with anorexia. But that didn't stop me, I still quest to be perfect, and something as simple as a fast heartbeat isn't going to stop me. I get medical problems a lot, like rupturing my esophagus this summer and major annoying lanugo, and I'd like to join so I can get support from others who go through the same things. Thanks! CrashCart9@Yahoo.com
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Jessica's Story

Hi my name is Jessica and im 15. The first time i threw up was at a birthday party last summer. I remember loseing 4 pounds after i was finished. After that day i was mia for a few months and then somehow i didnt throw up for about a month. then i picked it up again and have been puking ever since. There have been ocassional periods of ana and i would prefer just to not eat instead of throwing up, so that is what im working on now. i am 5'5 and im not exactly sure of my weight because my mom took the scale out of the house, but last time i weighed myself i was 114. i once got down to 106 but then i gained it back. ;o( my goal is at first to be under 100 and then when i stop having to see my counsler: 94. I dont think ill ever be able to be at peace with myself untill i reach that goal. everyday i want to rip my body apart as i view the discuting pilage of fat. my mind is consumed with the obsession to see my ribs and more spinal bones so i can feel worthy to liv! e. The hardest part is dealing with two thinking patterns in my mind that either say its ok to eat and that im not fat and the other is that im a sick discusting pile of shit so dont even fucking think about eating! But i know that hapiness will come when all this fat has finally melted away. Yello4Ever@aol.com
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Kelly's Story

Hi, my name is Kelly Robinson and I'm 15 years old. I've had an eating disorder for a little over a year now. It really all started last year around Thanksgiving when I went over to my friends house and got on her scale. It said I weighed 140 and I couldn't believe it. I was 5'5 and weighing 140 pounds, when all my other friends were 115-120 pounds. After we got home from vacation (that's where I was when I weighed myself) I decided to start a diet. It really just started off being an "eat less, eat healthier" diet. Then it went from that to where I was just limiting my food intake. It was the middle of December by then, and I had lost 4 pounds. I decided that it was stupid and I should be losing more that just 4 pounds. That was when I really started limiting myself. I was eating no more than 200 calories a day and working out for about 3 hours a day. I was down to 115 and I still wanted to lose more. I just completely stopped eating. I was able to go for about a week without eating when my friends started getting seriously concerned. They ended up telling the school counselor, who then called my mother. I was able to convince them nothing was wrong for a little while, but when I got down to about 110, my mom made me start eating with her. I steadily grew fatter and fatter as the month progressed until I was up to 130. I was suffering from depression which then evolved into depression with suicidal tendencies. The summer passed, I was still 130. I was huge. When school was about to start (high school nonetheless) I figured, I can't be this fat. I need to start again. Really long story short, this past December I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for self-mutilation and anorexia. I was back down to 110, but I didn't want to stop. It was horrible, they watched me like a hawk, and I was only able to sneak into the bathroom once to throw-up while I was there. I was dischaged Christmas Eve, and about 2 weeks later, I was re-admitted, this time for a suicide attempt, self-mutilation, and can you guess it? Anorexia. I was discharged yet again a little over a month ago and I am still battling my weight. As of now I am 5'5 and I weigh 125 pounds. My goal is to weigh 95 pounds, and I'm not ready to stop. iwaslikeduuude@hotmail.com
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Bree's Story

I guess you could say my disorder developed over a long period of time. I was the typical ballet dancer, driven, yet a loner. My parents never really paid attention to me, their lives were just too important. It was 1997 and I was 9 yrs old, and to my astonishment my dancer teacher wanted me to go on pointe, if I lost a few pounds. That's where it began. Exercising until I couldn't handle it anymore, restricting what I ate, and banishing all the junk food kids my age were eating all the time. It was torture, but I didn't mind. I was becoming a local star, in a small town. That little dancer who seemed to be as light as air. Yea right, I thought I was a cow. As years went on, it become progressivly worse, and soon I was 14 and 98lbs at 5'6. That's when they sent me to inpaitient. The worst torture of my life. Oh sure, everyone was nice, but you know how the mindset is. So here I am, two years out of inpaitient, and back into the habit. Not that I mind really. It gives me the drive that gets me who and what I want. It's my strength and my biggest weakness. Maybe someday I'll want to recover, but until then, here I am. The perfectly imperfect me. regrdlssofall@hotmail.com
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Daimian's Story

I am a 22 year old gay male who suffers from both anorexia and bulimia. Struggling since the age of 13, I am on the constant search for people I can relate to. It is frustrating to me that in 9 years of struggling I have only found one other male who can freely talk about suffering from these disorders. It is nice to talk to girls, but I still feel like there is something missing. Ever since I can remember, I have been attracted to visible bones on both guys and girls. When I realized that it would be possible for me to have jutting bones, my obsession began. I started by cutting out all meat, carrying the 'vegetarian' label. But doing this, I was able to eat less in front of my family and there was an excuse for my weight loss. Throughout the years I have been hospitalized twice, admitted into an in-patient facility once, and been to countless psychologists. Everytime I was given advice that the doctors use on girls. Though there are many similarities, I am not a girl. I just hope to find guys out there to talk to. eumoredkhai@msn.com
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Rebecca's Story

It all started when I was about 14, I was getting changed for PE when I noticed how tight my shorts were getting. So I restricted my eating and lost the weight. Then that started a series of diets and finally binge eating disorder. Then I got sick of all the shit my binge eating disorder was putting me through, so I went back to restricting. I didnt know at this stage I had anorexia, I just wanted to loose weight. Then I tried to eat normally, but found I liked the feeling of starvation and everything that went with it. I had heard of Pro Ana before, and thought to myself, maybe I am pro ana, because I dont want to get better. The ending to this story is quite predictable, I have really found myself through ana and pro ana sites. All I want and have ever wanted is to be thin. horsegal108@hotmail.com
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Anilina's Story

currently 32 years old. just got out of treatment for anorexia a few days ago. started this when i was 12. been in treatment several times. oh, and i almost went into cardiac arrest when i was in the hospital and got moved from the ed unit to a heart unit. i should be scared, but... i really wanna stop eating again. food just scares the shit out of me. i could eat in the hospital, but at home, it's just so hard. pinkdepression@hotmail.com
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